Conspansion is continuing…

I’m going to try and get through this post without using the adjectives “upmarket” or “leafy”.
Wish me luck.

We all want to live in an upmarket, leafy [bugger] suburb, and so there’s always a bit of suburb creep, probably begun by crafty estate agents, but then happily perpetuated and propagated by residents and businesses who are trying to add a bit more class to their address by placing it somewhere nicer than it is – at least in nomenclature.

Apparently, Constantia is one of the nicest places to live in Cape Town. Well, that is when Bulgarian gangsters aren’t being murdered there. But that aside, it is generally very pleasant. But not everywhere is in Constantia – and that’s a problem. Thankfully it’s one easily solved by just lobbing the word “Constantia” onto the beginning or end of your business name.

I wrote about this back in 2012, were I termed this expansion of Constantia into a handy and easy to use portmanteau:

CONSPANSION.

You might have thought that it ended there. Because it probably should have done. But no.

Builders Warehouse in Retreat got in on the act, calling itself “Constantiaberg” after the mountain on the far side of Constantia from Builders Warehouse (but yes, in the background of the picture on their Google profile).

Constantia Online listed Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens under “Fun Things To Do In Constantia”.

One of our friends who absolutely lives and works in Tokai has her business listed as being in Constantia.
Awkward.

Reddam House school in which used to be in Tokai or Westlake or Steenberg is now in Constantia. The school itself hasn’t moved an inch: incredibly, Constantia came to meet it. And Constantia came to meet it simply because Tokai or Westlake or Steenberg weren’t posh enough and so Reddam pretended that their school was in Constantia.

And it’s that entitled, privileged, posh-end kind of business, ignoring the rules of society like they do so very often, that has pushed Constantia way north of where Constantia actually is, as well.
Recently, Claremont BMW – in… er… Claremont, very much at least a Wynberg and a Kenilworth Upper (as well as quite a lot of a Claremont) away from Constantia – rebranded as… You guessed it:

Just for the record: this, while delightfully suiting the aims and narrative of this blog post, really is a massive stretch.

I do recall using a map on that last post about this phenomenon, but I can’t use that again, because this example doesn’t even come close to fitting on it. So here’s a new map.

Incredibly, that’s 11.23km from top to bottom. Or from bottom to top. It doesn’t matter which way you go. Ignore all the other suburbs you are clearly passing through. You’re in Constantia, all the way.

This northerly movement of Constantia – this Conspansion – now means that ironically, Bishopscourt – arguably a posher, upmarketer, leafier suburb than even Constantia – is also now in Constantia.
Which must be a bit of a downer for the residents there.

We also now live in Constantia, and eventually, so will you. Everything will eventually be in Constantia.

Conspansion is continuing, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Quirky

An impromptu trip out this morning took us (amongst other places) to Constantia Wine and Craft on Gabriel Road, Plumstead Constantia.

A fine example of Conspansion if ever I saw one.

But what an interesting shop! I’ve driven past it about a million times, but I’ve never been in.
Obviously, that’s now changed, and I’ll definitely be going back. An amazing range of unusual craft beer from all over SA and Belgium (other nations may also have been represented – I think I saw a Namibian independent brewer or two in there, as well).

And yes, I know I said this,

…and I stand by it. But there is still some good stuff out there too.

They also had some lovely wines from Constantia and beyond. Some of which I’d never heard of before:

Viral gastroenteritis – which is surely the most common revenge of any crustacean-based dish – is a strange choice to name your wine after, and at R500, this bottle from Vredendal was a bit much for me to take a chance on, but I did love the name.

And – a whole few hours before this announcement, this afternoon:

I also spotted this there:

Ja-nee.

All your favourites (including spirits) are there with a sprinkling of the unusual and the quirky, and it’s well-worth popping in to try something a bit different whenever you happen to be passing.

And no, this is not a sponsored post. I tell you when I do them.

Conspansion

Remember back in January when I described an evening out at Societi Brasserie? Of course you do.

Societi Brasserie claimed that evening to be in “Constantia”, where it isn’t.
Now, for those of you outside the Mother City, wikipedia describes Constantia as:

an affluent suburb of Cape Town, South Africa, situated about 15 kilometres south of the centre of Cape Town

and that’s a perfectly reasonable representation of the place. It’s green, leafy, pleasant. It’s posh. And that’s why people want to be there. Not least the ANCYL, who earlier this week named Constantia as one of the places that they wanted land:

Yozi singled out Constantia and the Rondebosch Common as land that could be given to the province’s poor.

(you may remember Yozi from this post about extra holidays) (but I digress) (often).

Constantia is sought after. Having the name in your address adds an extra 25% to your house price and a certain something to your standing. And perhaps that’s why so many places claim to be there, when they’re actually somewhere else. If we choose to believe these places, then it’s not hard to see that Constantia, like the Universe, is expanding. I’m calling this phenomenon “Conspansion”.
And I saw some more of it while eating steak at the Hussar Grill last night:

Yes folks, Steenberg Village is now in Constantia. Not Westlake (where it is) or Tokai (where it’s near), but Constantia.

That’s Conspansion right there.

How quickly is this Conspansion taking place? Well, here’s a handy map to help you out:

If you look towards the top left of the map, then you’ll see Constantia labelled clearly as “Constantia”. That’s where Constantia is and where it’s been since the mid 1600s.

You may then note its progress south, to Nova Constantia and Belle Constantia, the latter of which I found first reference to in a document from the 1850s. I’ve been doing some rudimentary calculations and it seems to me that the rate of Conspansion was about 1km in two centuries. That’s about 0.005km per year.

Let’s consider now the period from 1850 to January 2012, when I was at Societi Brasserie. So about 162 years in total, and Constantia expanded by about 3km. That’s a conspansion rate of 0.019km per year – about four times as quick as the previous two centuries. The warning signs were there – we just didn’t see them.

Until now.

Because last night, as I mentioned above, I noted that Constantia has now expanded as far as Steenberg Village – a further 700m south from Societie in Tokai… er… Constantia. 700m in 7 months.

Suddenly, we’re faced with the terrifying scenario whereby conspansion has not only topped the threshold level of 1km per year, standing at 1.21km per year, but also that the rate of increase is an incredible 6268.42%.
“Ish just got real”, I believe is the appropriate modern terminology.

If Conspansion continues unchecked at these rates, soon all of the peninsular will be Constantia. Forecasts as to what exactly will happen then are mixed. While some experts believe that Conspansion with stop at Cape Point lighthouse in Constantia, the majority suggest that we will witness an ever faster Conspansion moving eastward, beginning with the gentrification of Retreat, Lavender Hill and Mitchell’s Plain before Nyanga and Khayelitsha are swept up in an all encompassing Constantia.

Tony, Yozi – stop with the protests and marches. Stop with the violence. Just be patient. You don’t need to come to Constantia – Constantia is coming to you.

This isn’t just service delivery, it’s suburb delivery.

And by my reckoning, it’ll be there by February next year. Just in time for Valentine’s Day. Lovely.
Then we can all be friends and neighbours. And you can stop stoning cars on the N2 in Constantia.

Please forward me any examples of Conspansion so that I can update my database accordingly.