Luister Engelsman…

… as jy dit nie hier laaik nie, hoekom gaan jy nie maar terug Engeland toe nie?*

Why do people always ask me that?

So asked a commenter on one of my bosparra.com posts (scroll down to comments – his is the very first).  Normally, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of something said over there. I select posts which I think might be of interest to the bosparra audience and I thought that one fitted the bill. The selection process is more about choosing something topical and South African than choosing something sycophantic. If people don’t agree, well – that prompts (occasionally heated) discussion and that’s fine by me. People must say what they want to. It’s the only way things get sorted. Well, that and rubber bullets.
Also, I must admit that my Afrikaans isn’t all that it might be, which leaves me a little behind when posting on a predominantly Afrikaans site, (although a GCSE in German stands one in surprisingly good stead when it comes to the basic vocabulary).

However, two things changed that plan of (lack of) action in this case. One was the same commenter popping up over here and the other was the point at which I got my basic Afrikaans together and realised exactly what he was moaning about. Either of which would have made him fair game, to be honest… but both together – well…

Yes, My Name is Botha (as in Earl) – let’s call him “MNIB” for short – is upset about… (and here I pause for dramatic effect)… the title of my blog. He whines:

HY impliseer dat ONS nie beskaafd is nie!
(HE is implying that WE aren’t cultured!)

No, I’m not. Unless you’re Australian. Are you Australian?

MNIB has failed to see the heavy sarcasm dripping from every letter of the title. However, rather than lecture me on the good (or civilised) bits of South Africa, he instead goes on the attack – telling me about how my native country is assisting with the destruction of Islam and is at war with the Irish (really?!?).  

So: Luister MNIB – I think I’m more in love with SA than you are. While you can only be negative about the UK (so far as to make up fake wars!), I’ve long been waxing lyrical over how great this country is. About the milk stout, the optimism, the people, the mountains, the spirit, the beaches etc etc.
The title of the site is very much tongue in cheek – when one has seen Oxford’s Blackbird Leys on a Friday night, one could never truly accept the UK as a bastion of civilised behaviour.  

As I said in my reply to your comment – I won’t be changing the name of the site, even if you pay for the rebranding. I honestly can’t see that your suggestion: 9,600 kms from s**t would really attract as many visitors as the now (in)famous 6000 miles… brand does. Also, as I have absolutely no bearing upon the decisions of the British government, which is nearly (but not quite) as barmy as their SA counterparts, I will be unable to prevent them participating in conflicts overseas.

Maybe you’ll actually choose to read a few of the posts on here and you’ll see what I mean. But more likely, I guess you’ll just mutter doos and start whining when I post at bosparra again.

Your choice. But asb… think before you moan.

* “Listen Englishman, since you don’t like it here, why don’t you go back to England?” 

Sensationalist reporting is back!

Today’s Cape Times runs a front page story on the a problem which put the Table Mountain Cableway out of action for a whole 35 (thirty-five) minutes yesterday afternoon. Woo. [link]
Yet, despite the fact that there were a total of no injuries, no snapped cables, no plunging tourists, merely a blown fuse, we get 1000 words and an overflow onto page 3 about upset people waiting to use the cable car and how Eskom cut the power to it in January (an incident objectively described by the reporter as the passengers’ “worst nightmare”).

Nerish Rempul of Durban, who was looking forward to his third cable car ride, said the situation was “terrible”.
“I’m here with two friends but we’re leaving now. We probably won’t get another chance to use the cable car because we’re going home tomorrow. It’s truly terrible.”

No, no, no. Honestly, are all Durbanites quite so dramatic?
“Truly terrible” is when the local bottle store runs out of Castle Milk Stout.
A half-hour delay on the cable car is “mildly irritating”. In fact, if you happen to have some Castle Milk Stout with you when you get delayed, then a half hour delay can even be “quite alright” as it means “extra drinking time”.

All in all, reporter Caryn Dolley has done her best to make a story out of nothing, and she must have been amazed when it ended up on the front page, pushing murder, rape, earthquakes, fishcake recipes and rugby deep into the bowels of the paper.

I hate it when the press do that – not least because I don’t have time to get to page 18 on my tea break (although I often don’t have breadcrumbs to hand anyway) – but the South African press is worse than most when trying to drum up a story that isn’t. I might have hinted at that here.
My annoyance primarily stems from their cherry-picking and publicising the worst and most violent crime stories in order to get readers: a process which has the unfortunate side-effect of making the world think that we all get hijacked at gunpoint on a daily basis here in SA, which in turn keeps the tourists away in their droves (which then reduces income, increases poverty and… er… fuels crime).
This is counterproductive.

Some would argue that this tactic only works because people want to read about the worst and most violent crime and they’d be right. Without such tales, dinner parties in the better-off areas of SA would be strangely quiet, save for briefly mentioning how badly the Bulls are doing, questioning whether Julie is going to report her gynaecologist to the HPCSA and passing on the latest ZumaRuma™*. But that doesn’t excuse it.

To the editors of the South African press, not least Tyrone August of the Cape Times. Up your game please. This is rubbish.

* ZumaRuma – a piece of information (which may or may not be true) about our country’s president-in-waiting. 
   e.g. “Jacob Zuma ate my hamster”. (This may or may not be true.)

Can you write me off too, please?

Great news! (if you’re Cuban, that is.)

According to this morning’s Cape Times, the South African government has written off a 12-year-old debt owed to it by Cuba for export insurance relating to diesel engines, pesticides, Joost van der Westhuizen promotional mechandise and biltong.  
Very generous. Very, very generous in fact, when you hear that the debt totalled R926,8million. Now although the current exchange rates mean that that princely sum would only buy you a prawn mayo sandwich in London, it’s still a whole lotta Rands.

Government communications head Themba Maseko told a media briefing following Wednesday’s regular Cabinet meeting:

Given the assessment of Cuba’s debt position, government is of the view that Cuba was not in a position to meet its obligations in the foreseeable future.

I’ll bet that little gem of an announcement was slipped in right at the end of the briefing, following 4 hours waffling about exciting social grant allocation, fishing subsidies, landfill waste statistics and annual concrete price fluctuations. “Oh – and for those of you still here and still awake, we also voted to write off a billion Rands worth of debt to the Castro brothers. Thank you all very much, see you next week.”

At this point, I’d like to introduce you all to my bond. My mortgage. The money I borrowed from the bank to pay for my house. Now, to coin an official government phrase, “Given the assessment of my debt position, I am of the view that I am not in a position to meet my obligations in the forseeable future.”
This, by inference and extrapolation, together with a good dollop of subjectivity and bias, therefore means that my bank can write off all that I owe it and I can celebrate with a few mojitos and a fat cigar. Right?

Wrong. Despite the fact that I could be doing better things with my cash than throwing it into the ever-deepening pit of excessive interest payments, a pit which now dwarfs Kimberley’s Big Hole (and here I refer to the city in the Northern Cape, not the lass on Sea Point Main Road) – I still have to pay it back. Life is just so unfair.

Seriously though, what could South Africa have done with that billion Rand? Well, maybe the answers are right in front of us on the same Cape Times website:
Prevent deaths through water-borne disease in Soweto?
Fight the scourge of alcohol abuse and tik which is ruining students futures?
Reducing child mortality rates, which are still on the rise?

Look, I know Cuba has problems too. But I pay tax in SA. For SA.