Oh, mate…

Today, in the world of “well-respected” South African Sports “Scientists” (and cookbook co-authors), this:

Tim Noakes on Twitter Did Atlantis really exist Free book httpt.codRpSkFQcFy - Google Chrome 2015-08-31 113555 AM.bmp

Has he finally gone full potato?
Never go #fullpotato. (Too many carbs, see?)

Next week, on the anniversary of 9/11, expect a link to “what really happened that day (and it’s not what the mainstream media want you to believe)”, or some such.

Thanks, you-know-who

Nailed it… MH370

With all the election stuff, Oscar Pistorius stuff and… meh… everything else going on, you may have forgotten about Flight MH370. Fortunately, Natural Nuts hasn’t forgotten about it at all and despite being repeatedly told to please stay away, the judge clearly stated that you weren’t allowed to be within 200 yards of this property, they’ve come back to the party to tell us what really happened and why we haven’t been told about it already:

Here’s the most astonishing fact of all: because of all the facts stated above, the vanishing of Flight 370 must have required intentional planning and action from at least one government (and possibly more). Somebody is covering up the truth of what happened to MH370, and it looks almost certain that the Malaysian government is part of this cover-up.
The mainstream media is extremely reluctant to ever report on any sort of government cover-up, preferring to pretend that governments are always transparent and honest with the people of the world. Although such an idea is utterly laughable, it remains the default position of the conventional media.

Right. So, if it’s ‘cover up, cover up, cover up’, then what actually did happen to flight MH370?
Chief cock Mike Adams again:


Flight 370 most likely did not crash; it was almost certainly taken over (possibly by remote control) and flown to a destination with all passengers alive and the aircraft in one piece.

What happens from there is anyone’s guess, but the most likely use of such a stolen aircraft is to turn it into a massive airborne weapons delivery system to be outfitted with biological, chemical or nuclear weapons. Believe me when I say this is the real scenario being discussed behind closed doors at the Pentagon. The “pilot suicide” explanation is merely the sucker’s version of events for public consumption.

This does differ slightly from the (completely and utterly plausible) Alien Technology theory he suggested a couple of weeks ago, but never mind any sort of consistency in his stupid claims, hey?

Let me just run that one line past you again:

What happens from there is anyone’s guess, but the most likely use of such a stolen aircraft is to turn it into a massive airborne weapons delivery system to be outfitted with biological, chemical or nuclear weapons.

So it’s anyone’s guess, but your best effort is that? Have you been snorting hugely diluted quantities of Magnesia Phosphorica again, Mike? You loon. Not that aircraft theft is a particularly well documented crime, but perhaps you can enlighten us with some previous cases of stolen aircraft which have been turned  into a massive airborne weapons delivery systems, outfitted with biological, chemical or nuclear weapons, thus supporting your otherwise rather outlandish claims?

Or, er… not.

Not that it makes any difference to my life (or yours, I suspect, rolling around in your vast sums of cash earned by peddling bullshit to the gullible masses), but I think I’ll choose not to believe you about the real scenario being discussed behind closed doors at the Pentagon.

Or anything else you ever say.

Seems Legit

With all the fuss marking the centenary of the sinking of the Titanic, many readers will be surprised to learn that – in an effort to sell more copies of his book – Oxford author Robin Gardiner claims that it was not the Titanic that sank, but her sister ship, the Olympic.

In a story which could have come straight from the pages of infowars or DavidIcke.com, Gardiner – a plasterer and father-of-one from Barton – cites commerical wrongdoings, insurance fraud, gold smuggling, aliens living amongst us and government collusion* leading to White Star (this White Star, not this White Star) switching the identities of the Olympic and the Titanic:

This was collusion, conspiracy and cover-up on an unprecedented scale.

The evidence is overwhelming; eyewitnesses themselves describe running along Titanic’s decks, but where they said there were promenades, there should have been cabins.
And while survivors on B Deck described seeing lifeboats being lowered from above, there’s no way they would have seen that on Titanic – only on the ship Olympic.

You only have to look at the ships’ specifications to see the Titanic passengers were actually aboard Olympic.

I can imagine that in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean, in the early hours of 15th April 1912, with the realisation that the ship you were on was sinking, and over 2000 passengers and crew desperately trying to get into lifeboats in the dark that promenades and cabins could be easily confused, as could lifeboats being lowered from ab… OH MY GOD HERE COMES THE WATER, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!1!!!

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m questioning his sources a bit.

The best bit for me is where Gardiner claims that the Titanic (presumably thinly disguised as the Olympic) sailed around the world quite happily for another 25 years before (conveniently) being send to the breaker’s yard in 1937, thus handily destroying any evidence of White Star’s naughtiness a whole 75 years before Mr Gardiner broke the story.

* I may have made a bit of this up.

She’s still dead

It’s been almost 13 years since that fateful night back in 1997 when Di and Dodi died. I love putting it like that, it sounds like a 1970’s folk song. I imagine a bearded guitarist with a headband in a faded photograph singing “La la lah, la, la. Di dodi died”.
But that’s another story.
Apparently, Di’s death was my generation’s JFK assassination – everyone knew where they were when they heard the news. I was having an early morning pee in a house in Blackbird Leys in Oxford.  It’s for this reason that I now always check the news before doing anything mundane or vaguely embarrassing. Perish the thought that I’m merrily scratching my arse when I hear that Madiba has shuffled skyward.

Anyway, at last, the mystery of who popped Diana’s clogs has been solved by Mohammed al-Fayed’s lawyer, Michael Mansfield QC, who has spoken through the mouthpiece of Middle England, the Daily Mail. It could be one of the most awesome articles they’ve ever done.

Diana, Princess of Wales was killed because she planned to expose senior members of the British arms trade involved with land mines, a leading lawyer claimed today.
Michael Mansfield QC, who represented Mohamed al-Fayed in the inquest into the death of his son Dodi and the former royal, said Diana claimed she had an ‘exposure diary’ in which she was going to unmask the people most closely involved with the British manufacturing of land mines.

Interesting stuff. But how on earth can he prove this sort of accusation?
Easy – the missing box of papers theory:

Mr Mansfield said there is a missing box of papers which could contain crucial information.

Wow. A missing box of papers. But what sort of papers?
Newspapers? Cigarette papers? Toilet papers?
Enlighten us, Michael!

‘Nobody really knows what was in it.’

Except papers, surely?

‘The box exists but when it was opened there was nothing in it and everybody has forgotten what was in it.’

Woah there! Hang on. I’m getting bewilderingly confused. This missing box of papers is actually empty? Surely that would make it a missing box of nothing. All the missing boxes of papers that I’ve not been able to locate have been full of papers. The hint is in the description.
The “of papers” bit, in particular.
And what sort of people are you dealing with here? There’s nothing in the missing box of papers (not even papers) and they’ve “forgotten what was in it”? Is it actually possible to forget nothing? Surely that’s the same as remembering everything. Like an elephant. Are you associating with pachyderms, Michael? Are those the individuals who have forgotten what was in this missing box not of papers? Elephants? Is that what you’re trying to tell us?

‘I don’t know what was in it. It is said there were papers in there.’

So you are basing your theory that Princess Di was knocked off over a missing box of papers that was said to contain papers, but didn’t actually contain papers when it was opened in front of you and your wrinkly grey posse?
Can you see why I might be struggling to take you seriously here, Mikey?

‘Two people so vilified suddenly end up in a crash. I started to ask… how did this come about?’

Firstly, most crashes are sudden. That’s why they’re crashes. But anyway.
My guess has always been that they were in a car which wrapped itself around a pillar in a tunnel. Other pairs of vilified people that I have known have seemingly escaped crashes by not being in cars which have wrapped themselves around a pillar in a tunnel. Equally, I have also heard stories of completely non-vilified individuals who have been in crashes as well.
Some involving pillars.

When asked how he distanced himself from conspiracy theorists, Mr Mansfield said: ‘I think most people think I’m a lunatic and that’s fine. I’m not a conspiracy theorist about everything and there is cock-up as opposed to conspiracy but it’s a very healthy analysis. It gets you to ask questions you wouldn’t otherwise ask.’

Oh, you’ve certainly done that, Mr M. My mind is now awash with queries of whether there were sinister elephantine agents behind this “accident”. Maybe they were the ones in the bar of the Ritz Hotel plying Henri Paul with shots of tequila to try and get him trunk.
Drunk, drunk – I meant drunk, sorry.
The way they slipped around the hotel CCTV was incredible though. But then, they are masters of disguise, are they not? How many of us have ever found an elephant in a bowl of custard, for example? Not me, for one.
Papers in missing boxes of papers, yes. Elephants in bowls of custard, not so much.

So yes, I think you’re a lunatic, Michael Mansfield. And that’s fine.
But I look forward with eager anticipation to your next hypothesis on Diana’s death. One which, I hope, will involve unicorns, Somalian pirates, some wood chippings and a surprisingly tasty crisp Greek salad.

But please. No more elephants. OK?