Religion and Rain

It’s been a hectic few days in South Africa as we all await the allegedly imminent departure of corrupt old bastard Jacob Zuma. In fact, by the time you read this, he may already have departed.

Or not.

But all of that excitement has been taking our attention away – as much as anything ever can – from the water crisis, which has now apparently been solved.

Or has it?

As reported earlier in the week, Day Zero “The Day When The Taps Will Be Turned Off” and/or “The Day We May Have To Queue For Water” was moved back by almost a month. This was due to quite a lot of the Eikenhof Dam in Grabouw being released into the Palmiet River to feed into the Cape Town supply, while at the same time the agricultural sector announced that they would be using less water over the next few months.

Or was it?

Because while it seems fairly obvious that these interventions will have a marked effect (like for example, moving Day Zaro back about a month), arrogant and loudmouthed charlatan Pastor Mboro says it’s all down to him.

I want to pray for dams in Cape Town and prove that prayer works. On April 12 the dams will not be on 0%. They (anyone who has predicated that day zero will be on April 12) are not God. The problem is that they didn’t consult with God. To show how effective my prayer is they have now moved the date from  12 April to 12 May.

What a dickhead.

The thing is, other loudmouthed charlatans have a different view on things. Take Angus Buchan for example. He must be amazed that Day Zero has moved out, because he told us this week that:

God is angry with Cape Town

And why?

He’s had enough! …Of the abuse of women and children, gangsterism, lawlessness – He’s had enough!

Well, haven’t we all?

This has opened a right can of worms though, because other areas not suffering with drought include Johannesburg, which isn’t exactly known for being the most law-abiding place on the planet.
Also Nottingham, and that’s a real scummy dump.

But pointing out that sort of thing doesn’t fit the narrative, so we’re expected to ignore it.

Angus’ mass prayer meeting, “paid for by God and guarded by gangsters” (I know, right?), will:

…come against crime, murder, disrespect for human life, prostitution, alcoholism, drug addiction, racialism and hatred.

and will be held in Mitchells Plain:

because it is the hottest place in South Africa.

The SA Weather Service begs to differ:

But who cares about facts when you have faith?

Sadly Angus can only get to us on March 24th, so I guess that we’ll have to rely on Pastor Mboro to fill in the gaps in the intervening seven weeks or so. Although some people might be wondering why Angus is coming anyway, given that it was only in a couple of months ago in November that there was this:

By March next year there will be no drought in the Western Cape and the dams will be full, said well-known lay preacher and potato farmer Angus Buchan as he prayed for “spiritual and physical rain” in Parliament on Friday.

So that March 24th date doesn’t quite fit.

His prayer followed shortly after he alleged that a woman rose from the dead after he prayed for her.

Oh. OK then.
I think we’ve found the level.

What an arsehole.

So, to sum up: we’ve got Mboro til May 12th, Angus from March 24th (although also from March 1st) and… oh… and the Department of Water and Sanitation this weekend:

Yep. Devoid of any other practical plan aside from filling the pockets of her corrupt colleagues, the Minister has resorted to begging us to pray.

What a completely useless individual.

The really, really irritating thing is that we are actually forecast some rain on Friday night. Normally I would be over the moon, but sadly, this is going to be used by each and every one of these dubious characters as firm evidence that God is listening and acting. The fact that He’s been well on his way to killing every plant in the Western Cape for the past three years will escape them, as will the fact that previous efforts of this kind (and there have been many) have completely failed to make any difference at all.

I predict some quotes:

Pastor Mboro: “I came to Cape Town, Day Zero was moved back a month and then it rained as well. Boom. My latest DVD is available in the foyer. Mind my R2 million BMW on your way out.”

Angus Buchan: “I said I was coming to Cape Town, Day Zero was moved back a month and then it rained as well. And I raised a woman from the dead. Boom. My latest book is available in the foyer. Don’t be gay.”

Minister Nomvula Mokonyane: “I said to pray because I needed to avoid giving any practical assistance to the DA-led Western Province, Day Zero was moved back a month and then it rained as well. Frankly, I’m rather annoyed.”

What’s actually happening is that a cold front is hitting the Cape.

But it was sent by God, obviously.

 

SA OK

Just a reminder on this Freedom Day that South Africa is fine and has been so since last weekend’s mass prayer meeting in Bloemfontein.

Malice, hatred, violence, murder and corruption here in SA packed their metaphorical bags and all left the country at midnight on Sunday, and thus we have spent the past few days luxuriating in what has been nothing short of a halcyon bliss; the placid tranquility a wondrous and welcome change from turbulence and barbarity we had encountered on a daily basis right up until Oom Angus intervened.

Sure, we were a bit put out by the violent protests in Lichetenburg and Lenasia on Monday, but at least one of the those was attributed to a mysterious “third force”, and we all know that God has quite enough on His hands sorting out first and second forces, and can’t really be expected to deal with third ones as well.

And then there was the new 5fm lineup reveal, which has caused shock, distress and anguish across the whole nation. But God has forsaken the SABC for many years now anyway. And rightly so.

Oh, and Helen Zille still has a twitter account. You must just have overlooked that though, right guys?

So yes. Thank you, Angus and your myriad disciples with your little misogynistic asides and dodgy, archaic views on homosexuality. Everything’s fine here now, and we’re all looking forward to you sorting out the Middle East, Justin Bieber, North Korea, Donald Trump, climate change and that Helen Zille thing over the coming weeks.

Get to it.