Cheese

Incoming email from Jesse Miller. Yes. The Jesse Miller.

I love the way that first paragraph trips off the tongue. Jesse is a down to earth kinda guy and/or girl. Approachable. Level-headed. Just like you and/or me. Because haven’t we all, at some stage in our lives, searched the web for information on cheese? I know I have. I’m pretty sure you have too. And yes, Watch Your Cheese was a superb post – the one in which I subscribe Andile Lungisa for the near incomparable newsletter from the near incomparable cheese.com.

I might not have to go there anymore though, because Jesse has written 7000 – wait, seven thousand?!??! Sweet baby cheeses… That’s a lot of words about cheese – almost 500 per health benefit. Anyway, those 7000 words about cheese are right here. Thirteen of those words are:

However, not all cheeses are created equal. Most cheeses get a bad rap.

Presumably, Jesse means this one:

Anyway, I’ve given Jesse the publicity he/she/it requested and I’ve shared an appalling song about cheese. All that is left to do is to sign up Andile Lungisa to JenReviews’ newsletter…

[keyboard noises in background]

…and now I’ve done that too.

Watch your cheese

After the young firebrands such as Malema and Shivambu have had their say, in steps “oily creature” Andile Lungisa, ex deputy-Pres of the ANCYL and now chairman of the National Youth Development Agency, with his loud words and hot air. Well, mainly hot air, anyway.

In a speech at the Black Management Forum young professionals’ summit in Cape Town last week, he threatened the usual people (“Stellenbosch mafia”, government, the DA etc etc etc) with the  usual stuff: We will make SA ungovernable, we will close every street, blah, blah, blah.

And then he threatened something else that made everyone sit up and notice:

If there is a cheese in your fridge, they are going to take it

They’re going to what?!?
Look, as much as I like my countries governable and my streets open, I can manage for a short while if things have to change. But when you start threatening to take the cheese from my fridge?
Well, that’s going a bit too far, Mr Lungisa.

Why not rather begin at Checkers with their much-advertised Cheese World? After all, they bring you more than 400 cheeses to choose from. I’ve just had a quick peek in my fridge and all I’ve got is a bit of week-old Gouda.
Mind you, maybe it doesn’t actually matter what sort of cheese it is, maybe any cheese will do? (There’s a song in there, somewhere…)
Will the issues you have raised only be sorted by a decent Gruyere or a mature Roquefort? Do younger fridge raiders have to go for the Mini Babybels? So many questions.
Anyway, if it’s going to take something a little different to pacify you, Checkers say that if you can’t find the cheese you’re looking for, they’ll find it for you.

Once they’ve got the requisite cheese in their fridge, then you can go and take it.

I accept that youth unemployment is a big issue in SA and that it desperately needs addressing, but I fail to see how the theft of dairy products from private individuals is going to assist this cause. If the youth really do need cheese, why not help them out with a bit of brie bought with some of the R350,000,000 that the SA government gave your organisation this year?
Maybe chuck some cheddar in from your fat R800,000 annual salary, Andile.
I daresay that you might be able to sling in a couple of Salticrax their way as well (after payday, obviously).

But you leave my cheese alone, right?

Sorry. That last line may have seemed a little threatening, angry; a little hot-headed.
But that’s my week old Gouda, ok?
Look, as a gesture of goodwill, Andile, I have signed your email address up for the cheese.com “The #1 resource for all things cheese” “It’s all about the cheese!” newsletter.
I trust that with their expert assistance, you and your organisation can remedy this country’s ills within no time at all.
Good luck.