DA landslide ‘destroys Zuma, ANC’

Democratic Alliance take shock landslide victory in South African elections, suggests exit poll.

According to the results of an exit poll conducted during the National and Provincial elections yesterday and published after the ballots had closed in the late evening, the DA is heading for a unprecedented landslide victory over the much-fancied ANC and seems likely to take as much as 94% of the vote.

The exit poll was taken outside the Polling Station at St. Laadedah Primary School in Cape Town’s upmarket Constantia suburb by independent survey company Census Reviews and Polls (CRaP) and showed that of sixteen voters leaving the station who expressed an opinion, fifteen (93.75%) had voted for the DA.

DA spokesperson Jannie van Wyk was excited by the results:

I recognise that this is just one exit poll, but if we extrapolate the results from this significant survey, we can see that it is obvious that our policies and campaign strategies have borne fruit. A 94% share of the vote is significantly up from our showing at the last election, which was 12%, and I think we can put that down to our hard work in offering the voting public a viable alternative the Jacob Zuma and the ANC.
With this landslide victory, we can work on putting those policies into action as we will presumably control nine of the nine provinces which were contested as well as the national government. In fact, with sure a significant majority in these South African elections, I see this as an opportunity for the DA to move into the rest of Africa and envisage Helen Zille as being Supreme Commander of the World by 2015. It’ll take a bit of tinkering with the Constitution, but that won’t be a problem with this sort of majority.

In fact, according to the exit poll, Jacob Zuma’s ANC have been wiped off the South African political map completely, having gained exactly 0% of the vote in Constantia Ward 76, while newcomers the Congress of the People (Cope) managed just 6%.

Cope heavyweight Mbhazima “Sam” Shilowa was disappointed by the poll:

I have to say that we were hoping to make double figures in this election. The party is just four months old, but I though we had gained more popular support than this on our anti-corruption ticket.
However, looking at the overall result, I think it will finally lay to rest the rumour that we were going to enter into a coalition with the ANC after the election. They clearly have less to bring to the table than we thought they would. Well, absolutely nothing actually. Not a sausage. Shame.

Other large parties who, according to the CRaP poll, failed to get a single vote nationally included the Independent Democrats (ID), Vryheids Front Plus (VF+) and the Inkatha Freedom Party (IFP).
The Afrikaner VF+ were however, quick to disregard the results the Constantia poll though, saying that they preferred to base their predictions for the final outcome on an exit poll from Durbanville in Cape Town’s Northern suburbs, in which they had polled 100% of the votes cast, based on a sample size of 3.

Has Lekota named his new party?

It now seems certain that the ruling party in South Africa, the African National Congress (ANC) who fought their way to freedom through the appalling Apartheid era, will split. Those members who disagree with the the policies, ethics and behaviour of the ANC leader, Jacob Zuma, and those of his supporters, are setting up a new party under the (apparent) leadership of former ANC chairman and defence minister, Mosiuoa Lekota. Aside from the obvious questions of who and how many would join this new party came the additional issue of what it would be called.
It now seems that the proverbial cat has vacated the proverbial bag following an appearance by Mr Lekota at Orange Farm yesterday:

Lekota’s supporters wore white and yellow T-shirts emblazoned with the former ANC chairperson’s face and the words “South African National Congress”.

I think it shows some wonderful imagination. I feel though, the intricacies may be beyond many people’s vision, so please excuse me if I attempt to explain to those that don’t get it.

To recap, Mosiuoa Lekota was a high-ranking member of a political party called the African National Congress, or ANC for short. What has occurred over the past few weeks in South Africa has led (or rather will lead, allegedly) to the forming a breakaway faction from the ANC. In choosing a name for their new entity, what Mr Lekota and his allies have done is taken the name of their previous party, the ruling African National Congress (ANC) and added the word “South” in front of it, thus seemingly choosing their new party’s name to be the South African National Congress.

Do you see? It’s simply genius.
I’ll run through it one more time for those at the back. Instead of the African National Congress, they will be called the South African Nation Congress. Because while the continent is called Africa, the country we are in is called South Africa. Hence South African National Congress. Yes?

Words cannot describe the awesome.

One can only hope that their manifesto is a little more distinctive than their party name.

Whites want Zuma in now!

In an extraordinary show of solidarity with ANC President Jacob Zuma, a poll today* suggests that a huge number of white South Africans want JZ to become President of the country as soon as possible. While this may come as a surprise to many political analysts, there is a very simple explanation: pronunciation.

It seems that many white South Africans have become used to having a president who has an easily pronounceable name, like Nelson Mandela or Thabo Mbeki. The suggestion that Kgalema Motlanthe is being lined up as acting president following Mbeki’s resignation has caused widespread concern amongst paler Saffers.

My wife asked me who was replacing Mbeki and by the time I’d told her, she needed to wash her face and hair. Look, he’s a great guy and all, but I just can’t do a K followed by a G without spitting. In retrospect, I suppose it didn’t help that I was eating a boerie roll at the time.

It was originally thought that the speaker of Parliament, Baleka Mbete, would act as stand-in President until the election next year. And that seemingly wouldn’t have been a problem for most whities:

You can just mutter the surname and then you look all knowledgeable. No-one is going to hear the difference between Mbeki and Mbete after a few beers if you say it quickly and quietly.

Other potential contenders for the post, such as Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka (“Phumzile” to the whities) and Nkosozana Dlamini-Zuma (“That Zuma woman”) would have caused equal difficulties for white tongues.

What we need now is for Zuma to call an election as soon as possible. And then get elected. We don’t care about his policies. Frankly, it’s just embarrassing not being able to say the name of your country’s leader without covering the everyone surrounding area in saliva.
A Zuma presidency can save us from that.

In related news, ambulance service ER24 has also made an urgent appeal to Zuma and the ANC to sort out the presidential vacuum as quickly as possible, as it was hampering their triage routine in head injury cases. Spokesperson Daniel van Wyk** explained:

When our staff attend an incident in which there has been a head injury, they assess the level of  consciousness of the casualty using three simple questions: what their name is, what day is it and who the president of the country is. The current lack of a president is causing our staff difficulties and causing perfectly healthy patients to panic, as they think they are actually much more badly injured than they really are.

More later, sports fans!

* which I just made up.
** more make believe.

New dawn for SA?

As the morning mist cleared over the city of Cape Town this morning, slowly giving way to the African heat, I was driving into work, listening to soundbites of Jacob Zuma’s inaugural address as ANC President yesterday and thinking that the whole mist thing would make a really cheesy start to this “new dawn” post.

Suddenly, it seems that now the public have heard JZ speak about his thoughts and plans for the ANC party (and therefore theoretically for the country), rather than the media’s somewhat one-sided interpretations of the man, they actually quite like him. Certainly, that was the impression of many (mainly white) callers who got in touch with the radio station this morning, expressing their shock that he had some good ideas, some supportable policies and wasn’t intending to kill off all the white people by 2010*.

There were some on the BBC website (as there always are), however, that continued with my favourite “We’re going to be another Zimbabwe theme”. Specifically logicman from Stevenage:

It all depends on what the people of South Africa want? If Jacob Zuma gets into power the country will go the same way that Zimbabwe has. Do they want that? If he takes control then he will probably jail, or murder, all those who oppose him.

Yes. Jail or murder. Probably.

Of course, Stevenage isn’t in South Africa, so logicman fortunately doesn’t get a say in things. He’s still wondering where the World Cup 2010 is going to be, since he knows that the whities won’t allow “that dark sport” into their beloved South Africa.

There is of course, one spanner in the works. The corruption charges against JZ which seem set to lead to a court case sometime in 2008. While all the evidence (as helpfully provided by that balanced media I mentioned earlier) points to his absolute guilt, JZ still protests his innocence and welcomes the opportunity to have his day in court to prove it.

All in all, despite the doom and gloom merchants continuing to be doomy and gloomy – mostly from lands far, far away from here – there are others who this week have seen a new side to Zuma and are cautiously optimistic about moving on from an Mbeki-led ANC to a ruling party run by a charismatic, “people’s person” with radically different ideas on big issues like crime and HIV.

Only time will tell of course, but is this a new dawn for SA? Well, the mood seems generally positive. The booming economy and those who run it are happy that JZ seems to have adopted a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach; the whities are very glad that he used the words “crime” and “zero tolerance” in the same breath, while those at the other end of the scale are encouraged with his plans for land redistribution, poverty alleviation and aggressive approach towards the HIV/AIDS problem.

So – new dawn out of the way and I think it’s time for breakfast. Thabo on toast, anyone?

* Well, he didn’t say he would, anyway…

Return of the Mac

Remember Guy MacLeod of Plumstead? Of course you do. He was the guy that wrote to the local paper comparing Jacob Zuma with Princess Di. I did take the mickey a bit, but in one way (most especially the comparison that he made, rather than the ones I suggested), Guy was right. They both appeal to the public (known locally as the masses) and it makes them both very popular figures with every chance of taking on the ANC Presidency and presumably therefore being President of South Africa in 2009.

Well, JZ anyway – Di is dead like Elvis.

If you read the post, you’ll see that Guy dragged me out of a period of not writing. Perhaps I did the same to him. After he commented on my infamous Big South African Crime Post, he appears to have been inspired. Another letter to the Argus and it appears that Guy thinks that criminals have had their day!

Imagine if anyone (including a burglar or hijacker) placed his/her hand on a “technologically treated” door handle on which you have a chemical/electrical imprint indiscernibly placed but which lasts for days or weeks and is satellite-trackable? Criminals will be unable to hide!

This isn’t actually so far away, I guess. We already have datadot which is the vehicular equivalent and which seems to be having an effect, despite not really catching on just yet. But hang on. There’s more…

Better still is the next generation development where an individual’s criminal thoughts can be identified by a remote control “intelligence base” – well before the criminal act is implemented, so that counter measures can be taken.

Hmm. These “counter measures” worry me. I hope they’re not monitoring what I’m thinking right now… But wait, there’s… even more!

And a later development that enables the central intelligence base, at the touch of a button, to trigger an instantly disabling electrical charge that also also serves as an effective remote-controlled punishment for premeditated serious crime.

Argh. Mnnurgh Mnuff.

Mnnnnnnn. Mn.

Sorry – I’m back. Not sure what happened there. Or how I ended up twisted on the floor like John Travola gone wrong. It also appears that I have a slight nosebleed.

Sadly, I think these wonderful ideas from the realms of Fortress and Demolition Man (both of which were on the TV last night – hmm) are about as fanciful as Superman coming to save the earth next Tuesday (Monday is a public holiday) or me getting this blog sorted out by February.

February 2009.

Meanwhile, according to K Dawson (also of Plumstead) there are more pressing matters to be attended to. “K” – if that is its real name – has noticed at the turnstiles at Cape Town Station:

… you are met by only two people manning two turnstiles at rush-hour, with a no-care attitude. And I have noticed that people of a certain race are left to go through without their tickets being verified properly.

Well K, if they singled you out for being white(?) then it sounds like they are at least paying some attention. But well done for getting this out in the open now. 50 years down the line, you’d be writhing on your carpet just for thinking about writing something like that.