Spiderman ornament struck by rocket in…

Presented without comment:

Actually, no. Forget that. There are too many questions and comments which are occupying my mind having read this article.

Brace yourself, Phyllis: I’m going in.

First off (if we ignore the obvious question as to why an elderly couple from an Essex have have a large Spiderman ornament in their back garden) is why the hole in Spiderman’s lower back (let’s face it, it’s not actually in his bum, is it?) has been described as “the size of a saucepan”.
Helpful tip: When choosing a random object with which to compare the dimensions of something, always choose a random object with a single, well-known, well-understood form, and not in a huge variety of sizes.
How does “the size of a saucepan” help anyone who hasn’t had the benefit (and the undoubted pleasure) of viewing the image of the firework sticking out of Spidey’s arse, above? Are you talking about something for boiling an egg? Or making a stew? You might get away with an egg boiling sized saucepan, but presumably, the latter would be fatal (the size of the hole, not the stew).

It had flown into their garden, narrowly missing an aviary housing about 30 birds, and their home.
Mr Spears said: “If that had happened on my porch it could have blown my house up.”

Well, no. Not really. I think you might be mixing it up with a Cruise Missile.
This is merely a firework. I doubt that it would even have made it into your porch. Fireworks aren’t very good at that kind of thing, generally being stopped by stuff like the roof. Again, a Cruise Missile won’t be fazed by anything so flimsy as a few tiles on a porch roof. Or the rest of the building.

We’re looking at damage to a ceramic representation of a comic book superhero here. It’s hardly porch roof stuff. You’ll be fine.

The biggest worry here is that one of Spiderman’s enemies – there are, I believe, a selection of comic book supervillains to choose from – sees this article and recognises a big yellow firework right between the kidneys as a potential means of defeating our hero:

When a junior reporter mysteriously doesn’t turn up for work at the Daily Bugle after the Christmas break, a manhunt is launched. However, Peter Parker is quickly located in the ICU of a local hospital. He is suffering from severe trauma to the lower spine, and – should he even survive – will be wholly unable to continue with his intended career in journalism or any of his extra-curricular activities.

I digress. On with the story:

Mr Spears said he bought the comic ornament for £45 at a car boot sale – not the world wide web – as it seemed like a good deal.

First off, FORTY FIVE QUID?!??!??! They must have seen you coming, mate. Who pays £45 for a second hand Spiderman garden ornament?
Mr Spears does, that’s who.

And why the insistence that this was bought in person and “not the world wide web”? Is this meant to be a spider-pun? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself, local reporter Catherine Johnson. That’s terrible.

He said: “I shall probably repair it, but that’s not the point.”

You’re absolutely right. The point is lodged very neatly in what’s left of Peter Parker’s lumbar spine.


UPDATE: Note to self. Remember: never share the link to these sort of blog posts with the reporter what has wrote the original story.

Eish. I continue to learn the hard way in 2018.