Single parent bathing

And lo, it came to pass that I was left at home with two children to bath and put to bed because Mrs 6k had gone out partying. Which shouldn’t really be a problem, because Mrs 6k has single-handedly bathed and bedded the kids on a number of occasions and is full of helpful hints and tips.
Here’s how it goes:

  • Bath child 1 (3 years old) while child 2 (10 months old) crawls lovingly around your feet in the bathroom.
  • Dress child 1 for bed, plonk in parents’ bed in front of Cbeebies.
  • Bath child 2, dress child 2 for bed, give child 2 bottle, put child 2 in cot.
  • Put child 1 to bed.

Simple, ne?

And here’s what actually happened. Note that I have written this in the third person as my therapist advised me this morning that this way, I may be able to forget it more quickly. PammieJane may want to look away at this point.

The Prologue:

  • Child 1 decided to forgo his lunchtime nap in favour of running around the house and shouting a lot.
  • It is now approaching 7pm and child 1 is extremely tired and irritable.
  • “Toothpaste”, child 1’s Eminem doll, has gone missing and it’s the end of the world.

The Main Act
Part 1:

  • “Toothpaste” is successfully located and reunited with child 1. Child 1 stops crying for 18 seconds.
  • Child 1 does not want to get in the bath. Child 1 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 2 crawls face-first into the bathroom wall and begins to cry.
  • Loving father comforts child 2. Child 1 defaecates in the bath.
  • Child 1 is removed from bath, the mess is sorted out and the bath re-run.
  • Child 1 does not want to get in the bath. Child 1 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 1 is washed, removed from the bath and dried.
  • Child 1 is now so tired that he is crying because he doesn’t know why he’s crying.
  • Child 1 is clad in PJ’s and told to go into Mommy and Daddy’s room.
  • Child 1 starts crying because he can’t get into the bed: “It’s too messy”.
  • Loving father agrees, removes heap of wife’s clothes from the bed onto the floor.
  • Loving father removes child 2 from beneath heap of wife’s clothes on the floor.

Part 2:

  • Child 2 does not want to get undressed. Child 2 is undressed and is not happy about it.
  • Loving father hears blood-curdling scream from child 1. Loving father’s blood curdles.
  • Loving father runs through into bedroom, mentally planning route to ER with naked child 2 in his arms.
  • Child 1 is aghast: wants to know why Jake from the Tweenies is wearing those shoes.
  • Loving father takes a very deep breath, counts to 10 and takes child 2 to the bath.
  • Child 2 does not want to get in the bath. Child 2 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 2 is washed, removed from the bath and dried.
  • Child 2 wants to get in the bath. Child 2 is not allowed to get in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 1 has apparently banged his head on his teddy bear and is crying again.
  • Child 2 is clothed, bottled and plonked happily in her cot.

Part 3:

  • Loving father picks up child 1 and takes him to his own bed.
  • Child 1 cries because he wants to watch Charlie & Lola.
  • Loving father gives in before child 1’s crying wakes child 2 and lets child 1 watch Charlie & Lola.
  • Child 1 cries because he doesn’t want to watch Charlie & Lola.
  • Loving father picks up child 1 and takes him to his own bed.
  • Loving father switches light off and heads downstairs.
  • Loving father cries over a large glass of Vrede & Lust Cara (2003).

The Epilogue:

  • Both children awoken by thunderstorm 20 minutes later.

Of course, even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Especially the wine.