After the recent hugely disappointing news that South Africa’s eagerly anticipated (by the press) Race War had been postponed due to a lack of protagonists sunshine, many people have been getting in touch with us here at 6000 miles… asking when exactly the rearranged date for the Race War is.
Well, I was heading out to buy a sandwich at the local Café Lacomia wondering what the best way of predicting the outbreak of the Race War would be, when I had an epiphany in that regard.
As you do.
The café in question is located in a branch of Builders Warehouse, a local chain of DIY/Gardening stores. If you are in the UK, you would probably be best comparing this to a B&Q.
Of course, there are some local peculiarities: Builder Whorehouse has an extensive swimming pool section, B&Q doesn’t need one of them. The store also stocks pangas (pangae?) – better known worldwide as machetes. Considering there is heavy duty gardening to be done in the UK as well, I’m surprised that they’re not more popular over there, but they’re not.
Of course, the panga is also often noted as an African weapon of war and will be much in evidence on the darker side of the front lines when the Race War is eventually rescheduled.
Presumably, the paler guys will be armed with Black and Decker weedeaters which should present a formidable defence, Eskom willing. And as long as the little stringy bit doesn’t break too often.
Either way, when the Race War comes about, there will obviously be a period of arming up before the actual fighting begins. And where better for your local Xhosa Warrior to buy his panga than Builders Warehouse, with its amazing No-Quibble Guarantee?
That’s where my “forearmed is forewarned” plan comes in:
The Builders Warehouse Panga Race War Prediction Index.
No, it’s not catchy and neither is the BWPRWPI acronym. It sounds a bit like a wet fart.
But it will work. Because right now, the local Builders Warehouse has a huge number of pangas (pangae?) in stock. Great for hacking back that dense bush or those Bloody Agents with White Tendencies.
And should that number drop suddenly and considerably, then I will bet that there will be trouble ahead. Thus, the BWPRWPI is measured as the percentage of pangae (pangas?) remaining in stock, using yesterday’s numbers as a benchmark of 100%. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on the weedeaters as well, just in case there’s a sudden and unexpected AWB uprising in Cape Town.)
Right now, the BWPRWPI remains steady at 100.
Which is bad news for Builders Warehouse, but wonderful for the Rainbow Nation.