Real culprit named

Not much time to blog today, but I did catch this and thought I should share.

It turns out that – perhaps unsurprisingly, given their apparent monumental incompetence – the SAPS picked up the wrong guy when they arrested Oscar Pistorius. It wasn’t his fault.

Much like wrong-doing South African sportsmen before him, “it was the Devil what made him do it”, according to a local pastor, anyway.

“Oscar did not kill her [Steenkamp], Satan made him do it. I pray to God to help him,” reverend Isaac Malaza said.

This is the latest in a very long line of naughty things which Satan has made people do, and quite frankly, I think he should be brought in to face some questioning now. It does all appear to be circumstantial evidence pointing in his direction, but there’s no smoke without the Eternal Fires of Hades.

However, not only does Isaac come to the party with this radical new accusation, he also comes with reassurance:

“I came today to pray for Oscar. He shouldn’t do something like this again that breaks the hearts of his family.”

Which is, and I think I speak for all of us here in saying this, probably a really good idea.

But wait, there’s more – Isaac has this astounding insight for us as well:

He said Steenkamp’s parents and family were also left heartbroken.

Who knew? Maybe there’s something in this whole religion thing after all. I would have never guessed that this was the case were it not for the keen mind of Isaac Malaza and the ace reporting skills of the South African Press Association.

Thanks for the heads up, guys.

PistoriusBalls 8

A serious point for a moment. Regular readers will have noticed that there was no PistoriusBalls yesterday. That’s simply because there was a dearth of suitable material. It does seem that when the “professional witnesses” are in court, the journos present have facts to report, rather than opinion. And that gives them very little opportunity to add their personal touch to things. Which is good, because I don’t really want their personal touch, but it’s a double-edged sword when you’re trying to collate a PistoriousBalls post.

Anyway, we’ve salvaged some stuff for you.

 

 


Now he’s blurred (more of that later).

 

Bdum-tish!

Meanwhile, Andrew Harding (he of “We’ve just had an adjounment, now I need a coffee” fame, falls into the old “We’ve just had an adjournment, now I need some biscuits” trap:

 


Welcome to Gauteng.

 


Every bit as professional as the Boschkop SAPS.

Seagull divebombs woman. She claims £30,000.

Amazing stuff from Scotland:

A woman who claims she was injured when a seagull swooped at her during her lunch-break is suing the owners of the building where she worked.
Cathie Kelly said she stumbled on steps as she tried to escape the “terrifying” dive-bombing bird outside the Ladyburn business centre in Greenock.
She has raised an action for damages at the Court of Session in Edinburgh.

I’ve been divebombed by seagulls before, and let me tell you, genuinely, it’s not fun. They don’t mess about. On one infamous occasion, while chivalrously trying to protect my future wife from an aggressive airborne avian attack, I fell and hurt my right leg quite badly. I didn’t then sue the Isle of Man Government for damages though, despite the fact that they were responsible for the cliffs on which the bird was nesting.

You can’t be doing that. What sort of legal precedent would any positive outcome set?

“Rabbit eats lettuce from vegetable patch. Householder sues nearby farmer who has rabbit holes in his field.”

“Seal belches loudly near boat during harbour boat ride. Tourist claims damages from V&A Waterfront.”

“Woman drives too close to elephant in Kruger National Par… hang on… no, we’ve done that one already”

But a slight stumble on the steps is only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. Brace yourselves, folks, because here’s the harrowing tale of another of worker in the same building:

Mrs Ann Walsh, manager with Enterprise Childcare, who also works in the Ladyburn business centre, said the gull problem had been going on for years.
“I was attacked myself by gulls,” she said. “I was poo-ed on as part of the attack.”

Poo-ed on? POO-ED ON?!??!??!? That’s got to be worth another ten grand, surely?!?!

We have pigeons where I work, but they aren’t as aggressive as gulls. I’m quite sure they carry fourteen times as many illnesses though. In fact, I think I’m developing a slight cough… high fever… dyspnoea… pneumonia… death!

It must be psittacosis. Damn those pigeons.

I need a lie down… and a lawyer. Is Barry Roux free next week?

How cool is Points?

Described as:

The most advanced directional sign on earth

Points looks very cool – and very useful.

The festival/concert idea shown in this promo video is an excellent idea. And in case you think that this just a computer generated video of some designer’s vision, that same designer is at pains to tell you otherwise:

This is REAL footage of Points shot in Brooklyn, NY.
Everything was captured on camera, and no CG is being used. More info at http://breakfastny.com/points

I want one for my garden: “Pool”, “Braai”, “Beer”.