4 Real? The Fruitcake Alternative

Fans of the Manic Street Preachers will know that Richey James Edwards, ex-lyricist and guitarist, when once asked about whether the band was serious about their brand of music, carved the words “4 REAL” into his arm with a razor blade he was carrying. The injury required hospitalisation and seventeen stitches.
Two questions spring immediately to mind here: Firstly, why was he carrying a razor blade? And secondly, why did he slice open his forearm with said razor blade?
The answers are clear. Richey James Edwards was a complete fruitcake.

Talking of which, I came across an utterly brilliant website recently. Well – it’s either brilliant or completely fruitcake – hence my posing the question á la Richey Edwards, “4 Real?”.

The inventor of the Kadir-Buxton Method and author of the site by the same name appears to be Labour Party activist and all round fruitcake, Andy Kadir-Buxton. And he has all of our best interests at heart:

Making the world a better place
Decades ago I discovered a cure for mental health problems. The cure, which I term the Kadir-Buxton Method, has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems. The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient, so that the patient returns to a normal condition. The Kadir-Buxton Method is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand.
The procedure is painless and the patient regains consciousness faster the less hard the double blow is struck. With practice, I am able to render the patients unconscious for only thirty seconds. Other individuals have fared even better.

Sounds good. I sometimes find that I need my brain reset. Mainly after reading stuff like that. But, if I’m completely honest, that just sounds like you are giving the victim patient a punch, no?

At this point I would like to explain the difference between a stun and a punch. With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill. Try it for yourselves if you do not believe me.

I was going to test this claim, but I couldn’t find any roses or (surprisingly) volunteers.

I haven’t had chance to go through the whole Kadir-Buxton website as yet, mainly because I only got so far before my sides were aching from laughter and my brain needed a break from the endless stream of unbelievable bullshit that it was being bombarded with. I was about to stop – but then, this:

In the 1980s I fended off an unprovoked attack. What I did was hit my attacker in the Jugular vein in the neck hard with the tip of my finger. (The Femoral artery in the leg can be used in the same way as an alternative.)

Whilst my attacker was incapacitated on the floor by this martial arts technique I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

Having just been the attempted victim of an unprovoked attack, and having incapacitated the would-be attacker with a martial arts technique, how many of us would then have given the floored bloke a good kicking to teach him a valuable lesson? How many of us would have simply walked away? I know I would have probably done both.
I would suggest that there would be very, very few of us who would have spanked the gentleman round the buttocks and then awaited his eventual return to consciousness in order to gauge whether our actions had stimulated him, sexually-speaking?
That’s what makes Andy Kadir-Buxton different from you or I. That’s what makes him special. That’s why he makes these sort of discoveries:

I knew at once I was on to another invention.

Indeed. Whereas your would-be attacker was wondering where the hell he was, how he got the ball-gag in his mouth and why he was chained to a radiator. Oh – and what on earth you were doing in that PVC catsuit.

I would be extremely disappointed if there is not more mirth, merriment and overall fruitcake goodness to be had from the Kadir-Buxton site. After all, how many websites can you name which have statements like: 

As Governments around the world have been looking for a safe alternative to sex this appears to be it. A simple arm lock from a consenting friend is enough to make life enjoyable. The length of unconsciousness depends on how hard the strike is and the ability to judge comes with practice.

Yes, there is a message for us all in the writings of Andy Kadir-Buxton.
The trick, once you’ve got that message, is to completely disregard the message and run a long, long way away.

Muse & Arctic Monkeys to support The Killers in South Africa

Actually… not really. I just made that up.

But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

http://www.computicket.com/web/event/the_killers/24564408
(this page is a little dodgy on availability as Computicket decide on whether or not the gig is actually happening)

British Journalist Speaks Sense About South Africa SHOCK!!!!!

It seems that Chief Football Commentator at The Times, Patrick Barclay, thinks that England can win the World Cup in South Africa next year. And he may well be right. They’re playing some great football and getting some great results. And, of course, the 2010 World Cup will be held in the middle of winter in South Africa… 

Now the strength-sapping summer heat of Italy, France, Japan and even Germany gives way to an English footballer’s dream: the coldest World Cup since records began.

…bringing with it the probability of weather conditions which will play right into England’s hands. We like the cold; the Portuguese (if they even manage to qualify) – don’t. Shame.

Barclay’s comments on South Africa were refreshingly honest as well. After all the hysteria which has surrounded South Africa’s preparation for the World Cup, the allegations that stadiums would not be finished, that the infrastructure couldn’t cope, that a lack of security would mean that everything was shifted to Oz at the last minute; well, here is a viewpoint from someone that’s actually been here and watched football. At last!

In Germany — not to mention Japan — trains were a fine method of getting about. In South Africa, forget it. Put yourself at the mercy of the roads and inevitable match-day congestion, get organised into bus-loads with local guides (though security should be less of a worry than some suggest, only a fool would take undue risks) and allow four or five times as long as is recommended for every journey.

To be fair to the hosts, most of the traffic jams we encountered were because of road improvements designed to ensure a smoother flow next year. But do reset your watch to take account of the time-difference between aspiration and reality. Then it can be fun; I have especially fond memories of a day in Soweto, which is keen to take budget guests and will, I was assured, be safe (unlike downtown Johannesburg, which apparently is full of bloody foreigners and hence crime-ravaged).

This isn’t Japan. It certainly isn’t Germany (thank goodness – do you really think I’d be here if it was?). This is South Africa and when in Rome, do as the Romans and expect everything to take longer than it would in Berlin. Or Rome. And of course there will be match day congestion, just like there is at Bramall Lane when United are at home and just like there was before and after the rugby at Newlands on Saturday. This isn’t a problem peculiar to South Africa, nor to football.

Barclay’s piece is not sycophantic, celebratory or (in some ways) even hugely positive about South Africa. But it’s first-hand (compare and contrast Louise Taylor’s Guardian article, mentioned here) and it’s honest. Fans coming to SA next year expecting another Germany or Japan are going to be left confused and possibly even a little disappointed. Not because we aren’t going to do a great job of hosting the World Cup, but because it’s going to be  hosted in South Africa and it’s going to be hosted in winter. Not for us the slide-rule punctuality of the Germans or the Japanese (if you can measure punctuality on a slide rule?), nor the wall-to-wall sunshine of a European July.
Things here are done at an African pace: vive le difference. (We can’t do much about the weather).

Better then that visitors arrive informed, with their eyes open and can get straight down to enjoying themselves instead of having to spend the first 2 weeks of their stay adjusting  to how things are done here and how wet and cold it may be.
All in all, this promises to be a brilliant tournament – just read more of the Patrick Barclay stuff and less of the Daily Maily hysterical rubbish. Oh, and back England to win it. Cos I think they can.

Sweet Peeps and Muse News

After the summery sunshine of the weekend, the public holiday turned out to be a wet and windy disappointment, reminiscent of public holidays UK-wide. Out came the Monsters Inc. DVD, which is kept on standby for such emergencies, and a HUGE bowl of popcorn, which is kept on standby for such emergencies. And thus we were sorted.

Yesterday, as I have already mentioned, was a completely different story as we made the best of the stunning weather and headed down to Maynardville – the local park – which the city council have recently furnished with a rather large jungle gym.
We got a call from Dan Plato, the executive mayor, who asked us if we could take the boy down to give it a thorough test. Apparently, if it can survive him, it can survive anything. Much like Cape Town with Dan Plato, I guess.
All of which gives me renewed confidence in my own invincibility. Anyway, he (the boy, not Dan Plato) thoroughly tested it and it passed with flying colours.
And while he was thoroughly testing it, his sister used the opportunity to be thoroughly cute through a hole in the climbing wall.

Come now, even the anti-child brigade (led by Goblin* together with all her little Goblin minions) can’t deny that she is a complete sweetie.
Even if she is apparently a little lopsided. More pics of the sunnier bits of the weekend on flickr.

In other news, Muse announced that you can pre-order their forthcoming album The Resistance and get it posted over to SA so that the workers at SAPO can have early Christmas presents for their Muse-loving family and friends.
Apart from the safe yet boring downloadable version at £7.99, you can order the standard CD for £9.99, the CD/DVD version for £13.99 or go the whole hog and provide the OR Tambo Post Office staff with enough goodies to last them until Easter with the super-duper, dogs-bits deluxe version for a mere £59.99:

THE RESISTANCE
LIMITED EDITION DELUXE BOX SET

Multi format box set containing the following:
– CD + DVD in foldout softpak including The Making Of The Resistance DVD (43 minutes 53 seconds)
– 180g Double heavyweight vinyl
– Muse USB pre-loaded with WAV, Apple Lossless and MP3 320 files plus bespoke audio player
– 12″ Art Print
– **Exclusive to muse.mu** 5.1 surround sound Audio DVD (full bitrate DTS & Dolby)

FREE WORLDWIDE DELIVERY

Sadly, as I suggested, the free worldwide delivery so subtly advertised in upper-case will probably only get it to the first sorting office in Mzansi. And I’m not sure I can chuck R800 out (plus the inevitable 14% VAT bill from SARS) when there’s such a limited possibility of anything actually getting to my front door. Especially when the stuff we’ve heard so far sounds worrying like Queen. Dear lord…

* who, in a moment of weakness, has previously admitted that she thinks K-pu is cute.

Quota Moon Photo

Just a quick word from me as I am heading off down to Newlands shortly for the Tri-Nations game between South Africa and Australia. It’s a stunning day in Cape Town and it should be an exciting game between two evenly matched teams. But unless I head off shortly, I’m not going to see it.

So herewith a quota photo of the moon taken this morning for your enjoyment. It was going down as the sun was coming up, which made for some nice shots. I took a few which I’ll pop up on Flickr shortly, [EDIT: Here they are] but this one is one of my favourites.

 

Watch out for tweets from the rugby later on.

Hie’ kommie Bokke! Hie’ kommie Bokke!