Fresh on the heels of the weeing on bougainvillea saga, here’s some more Popular Mechanics Top Tip Letters Page brilliance from Al de Bruyn:
Keep the change
Finding change for car guards at short notice can be a pain. To solve the problem, I store a few coins in my car’s ashtray, pressing them edge-on into a blob of Prestik to stop them sliding around.
This. Is. Genius.
It’s a problem we all have. You park your vehicle, give the car guard a nod and a wave – maybe even ask his name if you have time, but try to avoid getting into a deep conversation about the continuing political ambitions of Joseph Kabila – and head off to your meeting/football match/dinner.
Upon your return, a couple of hours later… erm… was it Charles?… well, whatever – the car guard is still there. And he’s awake. Amazingly, your car seems to still be exactly where you left it as well.
Who could have predicted this scenario, save for everyone, ever?
Surely some sort of reward is due for security services rendered? But you have no change at short notice.
What now?
The first place that every single South African driver looks is in their ashtray, for the simple reason that that’s where every single South African driver keeps their change. Even smokers keep their change in their car ashtray, because they use the roads for their ash and cigarette butts. Al de Bruyn’s masterplan gives us nothing innovative or helpful here.
But then, as you get into your car, lock your doors and glance nervously around to see if… erm… was it Alfred?… well, whatever – is hanging around looking for some payment from you: disaster strikes.
THE COINS IN YOUR ASHTRAY ARE TOTALLY AND HOPELESSLY JUMBLED UP!!!!!!
You fumble; dazed and confused by the plethora of assorted metal discs that lies before you. Panic is setting in – you’ve been in your vehicle for almost seven seconds now and… erm… was it William?… well, whatever – wants some money.
POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT – WHAT YOU GONNA DO NOW?
Actually, you’re going to relax, chill out, smile through your window at… erm… was it Douglas?… well, whatever – and glance down at your ashtray, in which there are 6 coins of varying denominations, stacked, in order of value – edge on, nogal – in a piece of Prestik.
How long have you been parked there? How dodgy is the area? How is the weather? Did… erm… I think it was William, actually, wasn’t it?… well, whatever – remember you? These are the questions you will be asking yourself as you reach towards the carefully ordered small change, all so very perfectly aligned in your ashtray. Al’s method means that once you have decided how much you wish to pay your car guard, some rudimentary mental arithmetic is all that will be needed to select the appropriate coinage required to make up the requisite sum.
I like Al’s idea. My evenings out and about in Cape Town are regularly spoiled by the spectre of having to find change for parking guards at short notice. It occupies my mind from the moment I park my car, preventing me from conversing with my friends over dinner or analysing the football over a beer at Fireman’s. Yes – Zuma does face many challenges in the run up to Mangaung, but do I have a R5 coin for the car guard? Indeed, that was an incredible cross-field ball from David Silva, but I’m going to look properly tight if I can’t find more than 50c in my car ashtray.
And may I suggest some degree of future-proofing for Al’s Bruyny plan? (see what I did there?)
With inflation constantly inflating, it won’t be long before every informal roadside transaction (careful now) is carried out with notes, rather than coins. For this reason, you should maybe keep some notes in your car ashtray BUT – use a paperclip to stop them from sliding around.
That little gem for the future is on its way to Popular Mechanics right now and it’s going to win me a Jigsaw Sawing Station Combo Kit from Bosch.
Possibly.
New Pet Peeve
This one’s pretty simple: people taking video of school events on iPads (or any other 10″ tablet, for that matter).
We all like to have a visual record of our children’s school shows. Hell, I’m there like a bear with my camera and the good old Sony camcorder, frantically recording each and every moment for posterity and my son’s 21st birthday party.
But here’s the thing – I don’t have a massive camera. It fits right in front of my face. The camcorder is even smaller – palm of your hand job. It could almost be used for covert surveillance – assuming that the person you were surveilling had some degree of visual impairment. My point is this – it doesn’t get in anyone else’s way. And that allows them to take photos and videos of their child, singing their heart out about some allegedly Wise Men chasing a comet.
Not so, the iPad. Like a Bishop’s Boy, it can’t wait to tell you that it is an iPad and – this year, for the first time – it can’t wait to get in your way when you want to watch your kid’s Christmas production:
Hold it up a bit higher, love – some people can still see past it!
The weather was terrible, the light was awful and most every one of my photos features Steve Jobs’ finest work to date. And let’s face it, he’s unlikely to top it now, is he?
Of course, I’m in no way suggesting that people shouldn’t use their iPads for videoing school concerts or other events. It’s a great way of recording proceedings and it’s absolutely lovely to know that you have an iPad. I’m merely saying that if your primary method of digitally preserving the school nativity play involves you holding something the size of a piece of A4 up above your head for the entire gig, maybe you should consider the people behind you, who have also come to see their kids’ performance.