CV

Brian Bilston’s (you may remember him from such posts as Brian Bilston) CV in poem form might just be one of the best things I’ve ever read…

CURRICULUM VITAE

PROFILE
A selfish, self-centred, self-effacing self-starter.
A team-playing, dragon-slaying, modern-day martyr.
A blue sky thinker whose ideas are a vapour trail.
A proven communicator with a kean eye for detial.

EXPERIENCE
Poet – 2012-present
Duties included: being deluded,
finding myself from parties excluded,
writing sonnets on love and despair,
Netflix, and falling asleep in my chair.

Various positions – 1991-2012
Chartered Accountant. Lawyer. Cashier.
Building Site Lackey. High Grand Vizier.
Inhuman Cannonball. Scullery Maid.
Skilled Chicken Sexer. Guitarist In Suede.
Postman. Dustman. Class A Drug Dealer.
Dog Trainer. Tea Strainer. Carrot And Spud Peeler.
Batman. Batsman. Bowler. Head Chef.
Doing odd jobs for my Uncle Geoff.
Goalkeeper. Zookeeper. Dandelion Tamer.
Pilot. Hotelier. DJ. Boogie Blamer.

EDUCATION
University of Life – 1988-1991
My time at university saw diminishing returns.
Studied Scottish poetry. Got third degree Burns.

School of Hard Knocks – 1981-1988
School for me, I must confess,
proved to be
an unqualified success.

INTERESTS
In my spare time, I like to ponder
the fragility of existence
as it hangs,
like an industrious spider’s
silk-sewn threads
blowing in the late afternoon breeze,
with the delicacy of death.

I also enjoy ten pin bowling and the films of Bruce Lee.

REFERENCES
Sadly, my references
have altered their preferences;
their words are harsh and
abhorrent.

Even mother and father
have said they would rather
not comment.

Clever hidden meanings and opportunities for reading between the lines galore. Here is it on his site, which I have now added to the blogroll.

Poetry, ne? I’m suddenly feeling all cultured, innit.

Leave a comment | Tagged , , | Posted in from the blogroll, learning curve, positive thoughts

SA ‘Travelling With Minors’ Rules Clarified

We booked a trip recently and, along with the booking confirmation, we were sent this most excellent document that clarifies exactly what you will need (and, I suppose, what you won’t), when travelling internationally to or from South Africa once the revised, refined, rewritten legislation comes into effect on the 1st June 2016.

In short, if you’re thinking of taking your little stormtrooper(s) on holiday, this is the PDF you’ve been looking for.

The document details ten different scenarios in which you may need to carry extra documentation. There’s even a Parental Consent Affidavit (PCA) template attached for when you might need one.

Given the amount of time it can take for these documents to be ordered, organised and processed, it might even be a good idea to get your ducks in a row (AB de Villiers-style) now, in preparation for any future travel you might be contemplating.

Please feel free to download and share the PDF with anyone you think it might assist. The more people informed, the fewer people get denied a holiday because they brought the wrong bit(s) of paper to the airport. (I’m looking at you, Idris Elba.)

2 Comments | Tagged , , | Posted in emigration, learning curve, this is south africa, travel

Helpsful advice

We return to the Southern Suburbs Tatler letters page for today’s blog post. And a missive from David Helps (but does he?) of Newlands on a subject close to our hearts here at 6000 miles… – cyclists and cyclism.

Must Cyclists Fall?

begins David and already, I am starting to wince.

During my walk along the tarred path below Newlands fire station , earlier this week, I was just missed by three cyclists overtaking me – in one case, by inches.

how many inches, David? Two inches, or 59 inches? Because this matters, as we find out later in your seemingly otherwise pointless correspondence.

Having cycled myself when younger, I appreciate that wind rush effectively deafens a rider, helmeted or not, making them unaware of events behind them and no self-respecting individual would think of attaching a “bell” to their precious machines.

aaaaaaaand I’m lost… While I too cycled when younger, and while I too appreciate that wind rush effectively deafens a rider, making them unaware of events behind them, what does this have to do with them overtaking you? You’re not behind them, you’re in front of them. And so what if they’re deafened, because number one, they can see you, and number two, you’re not making any noise anyway.
Unless… Unless, that is, I’ve got this situation all wrong, and these are blind cyclists, blind cyclists cycling backwards towards you, and you (helmeted or not) are making a lot of noise that they can’t hear because of wind rush. It seems like a somewhat unbelievable situation, but if I’ve got it right, then you are fully justified in writing to the Southern Suburbs Tatler – and possibly even the UN. Cyclists are a menace. Blind cyclists, deafened by wind rush, cycling backwards towards you is downright dangerous.

And also actually amazing. Forget the local paper and the international authorities, call the bloody circus.

I believe the time is ripe to launch a T-shirt campaign depicting a pedestrian with a line marked 1.5 meters and a cyclist and on the other side, and the words “Do unto others…”
Alternatively, but now too passé, use social media #Cyclistsmustfall.

Yes, yes. Do the T-shirt, but make it a blind, deaf, helmeted (or not) cyclist, cycling backwards.
And make the pedestrian look like a buffoon.
For accuracy.

What do you think?

I think you know what I think, David Helps (no he doesn’t).
I think I’ve made it abundantly clear.

Support me and the royalties are yours.

Royalties? From a T-shirt idea you nicked from some cycling organisation and the “passé” social media hashtag you nicked from some rowdy students? I don’t think there’ll be any royalties. A couple of misplaced copyright lawsuits, sure, but no royalties.

You’ve been no helps at all.

1 Comment | Tagged , , , | Posted in annoying people, in the news, this is south africa

Braai or Blog?

What with all the catching up after this week’s Immodium-fest, it came down to a choice between these two behemoths of time-passing enjoyment late this afternoon.
And, sorry for you, reader, I went with the braai. There were guests too, guests who brought potatoes and a cabbage salad: made… with cabbage.
There were anecdotes, there was laughter, there was a disturbing amount of balsamic vinegar in the cabbage salad dressing.

Tomorrow, there will be ample time for blogging, and there are no plans for any alliterative alternative to challenge it for supremacy.

As long as no-one mentions beer, of course.

Leave a comment | Tagged , | Posted in admin, positive thoughts, this is south africa

Nice surprise

I accidentally clicked on a link (well, either that or “my account was hacked“) on YouTube and got to watch this.

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

Which was a nice surprise.

Leave a comment | Tagged , , | Posted in in the news, politics, positive thoughts, that's a bit mad, this is south africa, uk
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