It was the biggie. The North/South derby match. The one that everyone had been talking about even more since they realised that this season, it might actually make some meaningful difference to the final standings of the Super 14 table.
We parked the kids with a handy Mother-in-Law, I dosed myself up with MedLemon and Corenza Para-C, chose to ignore the ongoing viral guests which have been (literally) plaguing me all week and headed down to the aging Newlands Stadium along with 49,000 others, in order to witness the fiercest rivalry in South African rugby.
And the Stormers of Cape Town were on a hiding to nothing. Ever since the Bulls (of Pretoria) announced that they would be resting “several” of their first team players for the match, the home side were in a metaphorical no win situation.
Lose and you’re the laughing stock of the country. Win and no-one is impressed, because you’re only playing the Bulls’ B team – albeit with several Springboks in the side.
At this point, for less-informed readers, I should perhaps explain that I don’t mean actual springbok springboks – as in the little antelope things - look, they’re bloody fast, but their lack of ball-carrying abilities renders them near useless in the more technical aspects of the modern game of rugby. Like, for instance, ball-carrying.
Seriously, if someone were to genetically engineer a robust and dependable ball-carrying arm onto an actual springbok springbok, I swear every rugby team in the world would be trying to sign it up.
But I digress.
What I mean is that several of the so-called Bulls’ B team have played rugby for South Africa at international level. So they weren’t actually that ‘B’ at all. Add to that the fact the many of the Bulls side didn’t have a match last week to recover from and – more cynically – that they didn’t have to be concerned about any suspensions for the upcoming semi-finals either, since presumably the A-team would be back for that game.
At this point, for less-informed readers, I should perhaps explain that I don’t mean the actual A-Team – as in Hannibal, Face, Murdoch and BA Baracus… oh… never mind.
But from the very first kick, it was clear that this was going to be one way traffic. The Stormers went ahead early through ex-Bulls winger Bryan Habana and never really looked back. Let’s not forget, that for all the Bulls’ excellent performances this season, it’s the Stormers who have the best defence record in the league (by some clear margin) and that defence never looked to be in serious danger tonight. Habana got his second try after 23 minutes before crowd favourite Andries Bekker added a third on 27 – effectively ending the game as a contest – at least as far as the scoreline was concerned.
Down 28-3 at half time, the Bulls did seem to come out for the second period with the sole intention of injuring as many Stormers players as possible. And by whatever means. There were a couple of shoulder charges, some nasty little exchanges after the ball had gone and one shocking incident involving a horrifying chainsaw attack on the Stormers’ scrum-half.
(I may have made that last one up.)
Job done, the second half was less entertaining than the first. Stormers’ centre Jacques Fourie dotted down to take the score to 38-3 and then the Stormers started resting their first team as well, a home semi-final (their first since 1999) against the NSW Waratahs already in the bag. With many key players taken off, the Bulls snatched a consolation try in the 78th minute.
It was a disappointing way to finish, but the job was done. And while - as I mentioned before – Pretoria fans will be anxious to remind everyone that this was hardly their starting XV, the history books will just list the final score: 38-10.
Bragging rights are therefore, for the moment at least, quietly settling down into a worn leather armchair with an expensive glass of brandy at a trendy yet understated cigar bar in central Cape Town.
Next week, South Africa hosts the two semi-finals: Bulls v Crusaders and Stormers v Waratahs. If results go with the home sides, it will be another Bulls v Stormers match-up in an all South African Super 14 final on 29th May – but this time, with the Bulls’ A-team – who will presumably have been locked in a garage with only a bakkie, a couple of tonnes of scrap metal and some welding equipment in the intervening period – in full attendance.
Watch this space.
Cross-posted at the SA Portfolio Collection Travel Blog
“Flying down stock from Jo’burg”
One of the most annoying things that has been particularly annoying me lately, aside from all the other annoying things that have been annoying me (and there have been a few) is the whole “we’re flying down some stock from Jo’burg” thing.
I’ve come up against this wall a couple of times in the last fortnight – namely with my cellphone (thanks for absolutely nothing again, MTN) and with a new PCB for my burglar alarm. Neither item is available in Cape Town, but it won’t be a problem because they’re “flying down some stock from Jo’burg”.
Right.
I have a couple of issues with this. Firstly, why isn’t there any stock in Cape Town already?
If I were living in Uitenhage or Umtentweni, I could understand it. There’s not going to be a huge call for cellphones or burglar alarm PCBs there, because to have demand, you need people and there are no people in Uitenhage or Umtentweni. That’s how they roll. Emptily.
Cape Town, however, is a bustling metropolis of over 3 million residents. It’s therefore statistically more likely that there will be more of a demand for… well… everything, really. And cellphones and burglar alarm PCBs fall neatly into that “everything” category.
Why then, is there no stock here?
The second issue I take exception to is the location of this “Jo’burg” place. At first, I thought it was just short for Johannesburg, the much… er… “misunderstood” city up in Gauteng. But it has rapidly become evident to me that this is not the case. If this were the case, then “flying down some stock from Jo’burg” would take about 2 hours, because a flight from Jo’burg to Cape Town takes about that long. Be reasonable and add organisation and transport at either end and you could knock it up to 24 hours. Remember that you’re in South Africa and add another 48 and you’re looking at a 72 hour turnaround.
Needless to say, this hasn’t actually been the case for the cellphone or the burglar alarm PCB, neither of which have yet arrived in Cape Town. This leads me to believe that the “Jo’burg” that they are “flying down some stock from” is actually not short for Johannesburg, the misunderstood city in Gauteng.
No, this alternative “Jo’burg” is a mythical place where little elves and goblins ride flying pink unicorns and Julius Malema is sane.
It’s a place where cellphones aren’t required because all you have to do is shout really accurately into huge yellow spoons and the sound magically echoes into your correspondent’s ear. They have no need for burglar alarm PCBs either, because alternative Jo’burg is the ulimate socialist society, where everyone shares everything with everybody else anyway and there’s more than enough fairy dust to go around.
The elves and goblins and unicorns spend their days lying in the sunshine, drinking vodka Martinis served by angry rabbits, nibbling on cocktail snacks and chatting about the latest tennis results – doing anything, in fact, except for sending my bloody stuff to Cape Town. And the chances are that when (if?) I ever see my new cellphone and burglar alarm PCB, they will be covered in glitter and unicorn spit (the combined acidity of which will obviously render them completely useless.)
I’ve been through all the usual stages. Anger, Denial, Despair, Anger, Depression, then some more Anger. I’ve shouted and cried and banged my head against both metaphorical and literal brick walls. I’m almost ready to give up and I need some of that magical Jo’burg fairy dust to keep me going.
One final question. This can’t just be a Cape Town thing, can it? There must be other places in SA which don’t have stock of stuff they really should have stock of and try (with varying degrees of success) to fob you off that they are “flying down some stock from Jo’burg”. And you buy it – at least initially.
But what of people in Jo’burg? Does Jo’burg have stock of everything? Always?
Because the old “we’re flying down some stock from Jo’burg” thing isn’t going to work on them, is it? So what’s the substitute line?
It can’t be “we’re flying up some stock from Cape Town”, because we haven’t got any bloody stock in Cape Town.
That’s what started this whole bloody problem off, remember?