As hundreds of cyclists veered and wobbled all over the Main Road and ignored the traffic lights through St James and Kalk Bay this morning, as they do most Sunday mornings, I came up with a brilliant new Sunday morning drinking game.
And what’s not to love about Sunday morning drinking games?
Today was, of course, the Cape Argus Pick n Pay Cycle Tour, the day when Cape Town comes to an absolute standstill, residents are trapped in their homes and businesses struggle to any trade. On the bright side, it does mean that I get extra hits on this post. And I watched it from home, alongside a snot machine and a hyperactive almost-5 year old. There was a tremendous sense of déja vu. Not the snot or the hyperactivity – I’m a parent, for god’s sake. No, the commentary on the race – anchored (I think, although I stand under correction) by Phil Liggett. And that’s when I came up wth my drinking game, based loosely on copied directly from Gareth Cliff’s State of the Nation address drinking game: namely that when certain words or phrases are used, one must take a drink.
I’m going to call it The Cape Argus Pick n Pay Cycle Tour Commentary Drinking Game.
Now, you might think that I could get us all smashed by using geographical markers. And while you’d be right, you’d also be wrong, because that would be far too boring. No, instead, I’m going to use the über PC commentary. Because, while Cape Town put on a great show for this race (weather included), even if we didn’t, we’d still get a glowing report from the commentators. Honestly, it’s like a they’re having an affair with the place.
Therefore, when any of the following superlatives are used:
Magnificent | Amazing | Fantastic | Wonderful | Superb
with any of the following objects:
Stadium | Views | Support | People | Organisation | Roads | Weather
You must take a drink. If the compliment is prefixed by the word “Absolutely”, then it’s a double drink. You’re going to be hitting a lot of doubles, believe me. I posted the other day about the dangers of rose-tinted glasses and a lack of realism. Phil Liggett and his chums have got it bad. If one were to listen to them, one would imagine that this was ANC-voter heaven on earth.
And yet there was a touch of drizzle in Wynberg this evening.
Was there really nothing wrong with anything today? Was it all just brilliant from start to finish? Or are the comentators told to ignore anything dodgy and to just compliment absolutely everything? I don’t know, but whether it’s unbelievable fortune or deliberate blindness and spouted falsehoods for that “feelgood” effect, it’s going to make for some sore heads on the 12th March next year.
Ahh just like the Jeff Stelling Drinking Game which is popular in many pubs up and down the UK.
Current Rules:
– Everytime a goal is scored:- 1 shot of beer
– Every sending off:- 1 shot of Jager (or substitute)
– Half time:- Absolutley no alcoholic beverages may be
imbibed during this period.
– Whenever Chris Kamara is talking:- You must be drinking
– Whenever Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e.”he’s hit the beans on toast”!):- 1 shot of Jager
– In the second half, all teams can only be referred to by their nicknames:- Failure to do so results in a 3 beer shot penalty.
– Whenever Swindon Town appear on the vidiprinter: – Last person to shout out ‘Mackerel’ takes shot of Jager.
– Whenever Dundee appear on the vidiprinter:- Last person to shout out ‘Football’ takes shot of Jager.
– Everytime Phil Thompson says ‘Stevie Gerrard’:- 3 shots of beer.
– Everytime Jeff makes an ‘A Trialist’ joke:- 3 shots of beer.
– Everytime your team score:- 2 extra shots of beer
– Everytime Matty Taylor and ‘Goal of the Season’ are mentioned in the same sentence:- 1 shot of Jager
– Everytime Jeff calls Kenny Deucher ‘The Good Doctor’:- 1 shot of Whisky
– Any hint of racism (social or otherwise) from any of the pundits:- Quad bombs (4 jager+redbull) all round
– Everytime Hartlepool score a goal:- 3 shots of beer
– Everytime a pundit shouts off camera:- 2 shots of beer
– Everytime LeTiss is mentioned in connection with a takeaway: – 1 shot of Jager
– Whenever Chris Kamara says “its unbelievable Jeff”, all drinks must be downed
– Everytime Jeff mentions “dancing in the streets of TNS: – 1 shot of jager
– Everytime Jeff says “its Doom and Gloom at…” – 1 shot of jager
– Everytime the team ‘Keith’ is referred to as just being one guy :- 1 shot of jager
– Everytime Brighton & Hove, or Daggers & Redbridge are jokingly referred to as two different teams playing the same oppo :- 1 shot of jager
– Everytime when Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Stelling says “ohh, Sally will be pleased” :- 1 shot of Jager.
– Everytime anything bad happens to Craig Bellemy (injury, og, booked, arrested for assault etc.) :- 2 celebratory shots of the spirit of choice.
– Whenever Northampton Town appear on the vidiprinter, last person to shout out ‘Cobblers’ :- shot of Jager
– Whenever the Gareth Barry affair/scandal is mentioned :- shot of jager
– Whenever a James Brown related joke is made :- Last person to sing ‘I feel good’ must down drink
– Whenever the James Brown statue dances :- Last person to dance along must have shot of tequila.
– Anytime anyone mentions United missing Ronaldo or Tevez:- 1 shot of Portuguese / Argie Firewater.
– Any talk of Man City ‘buying the title’:- down your beer.
Wiggy > You didn’t even have to look that up, did you?
I have been very, very drunk on many occasions thanks to Jeff Stelling.