Just another letter to the newspaper

As “the powers that be” (the er… democratically elected government) in New Zealand pass the first part of a law to allow “gay marriage”, people continue writing letters to newspapers. This one is from Jasmin, age 14 (and homeschooled) in Scargill on New Zealand’s South Island and enlightens us as to the potentially horrific consequences of homosexuality spreading.

Yep – you read it right there. The ducks are coming and they’re going to take over the world. Human liver pâté and Human a l’Orange will be the dishes of the day in their cosy nested pairs.

If the Romans did indeed practise homosexuality, then 2,000 years on, we should actually all be pretty good at it by now. And by using Jasmin’s logic (this was not necessarily my best decision), that means that the ducks are probably already more equal than us. Even if they are currently disguising it very well by not taking over the world just yet, this remains a concern.

I agree with Jasmin’s sentiment that she doesn’t want her children to compete with ducks, (although I am disappointed that this indicates her intention to procreate).
I don’t want my children to compete with ducks either. Frankly, the image of them hanging around ponds and rivers, fighting with the local wildfowl over scraps of bread sends shivers down my spine. And once the ducks realise that they have the evolutionary advantage over us because they’re not gay, they surely won’t hold back with their heterosexual pecky beaks and their lack of opposable thumbs.
Carnage will ensue on the riverbank.

But then, none of this really bears any weight for me, because I do believe in evolution and I trust that eventually Jasmin’s kind will disappear from the human race pretty quickly once they realise that the only way that they can guarantee the eradication of homosexuality in the human race is actually not to breed.

Just like the ducks didn’t.

UPDATE: The dark truth about ducks, via @JacquesR

  • wah!!! i think the only valid response to this kid is: duck off!!!

  • Henry Crun

    Poor home schooled Jasmin – her folks must have a pretty jaundiced view of the world.

  • Henry Crun

    PS if the gayers haven’t even made a dent in the reduction of human population in the past 2000 years, chances are they never will.

  • Kaylen

    ….the author of that little blurb does know that ducks have been recorded partaking in homosexual and homo-necrophilia acts, right??

  • Anna
  • Richard

    FYI you can’t be ‘more equal’. You’re either equal or not equal. That’s some great home schooling right there. She doesn’t even understand the concept of equality.

  • Mrs 6000

    That’s homeschooling for you!

  • BrettRexB

    everyone realises that she’s being sardonic, right?

  • Friend

    Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?

  • well she does say that they nest in pairs, not how the pairs are made up.

  • Gary

    I thought that the Dolphins ruled? Or was it that humans were all part of a giant experiment by the Mice?

    I forget…

  • Come on guys. This is brilliant satire. It’s just absurd enough to make a brilliant point, but not so over-the-top that it’s obvious.

    I mean really, worrying that your kids will have to compete with ducks for dominion over the earth? That’s HILARIOUS!!!

  • dov carlson

    Does this kid know that male ducks ALWAYS practice rape on female ducks? There is no courtship, just plain out-and-up-the-spout forcible rape.
    I know some home-schooled children- they do not undestand satire.