Gutted

Tuesday: Shower. Breakfast. Traffic. Work. Tea Break. Such is the life of a lab rat.

But with Tuesday tea break comes Ben Trovato’s column in the Cape Times. Today, I open the paper even more eagerly. How will someone with such obvious compassion for those around him and an incomparable understanding of South African cultures handle the recent xenophobic problems?

Surprisingly subtly, actually. But whatever, because then, halfway through the column – the bombshell:

And so, to matters more serious. It is with a heavy heart I inform you of circumstances necessitating that I relinquish this valuable piece of literary real estate with immediate effect.

I read it once. I read it again. And I was left numb. Seriously, Ben Trovato has kept me going through some difficult times since I moved over here. I have all his books and I agree with every sentiment therein – maybe even the bit when he called my car “gay”. I have lived vicariously through his words, possessing neither the bravery (foolishness?) to do the stuff he did nor the literary ability to describe the things I dared not do. And now he’s hanging up his pen.

At times like this, you can either mope, depressed in the knowledge that Tuesdays will never be the same again. Or you can celebrate the chance for a new columnist to fill his boots (something Ben Trovato has been doing for 5 years+).

Well sod your happy-clappy positivity. I’m in mourning.

RIP Ben Trovato. (Unless this is all a big hoax in which case I’m coming after you with a big stick.)
I know that you read me like I read you, so thanks. And all the best.
I hope I’m still going to be able to read you somewhere… sometime.
Otherwise, how will I know what to think?

In memory, I present to you his finest hour:

Why, in the name of God, won’t someone bring Jacob Zuma his machine gun? I can no longer stand by and watch the man suffer like this. Has he not been through enough?
There is an organisation called the Friends of Jacob Zuma, and yet not one of its members is willing to do as he asks. Some friends.

Jacob Zuma has anywhere between two and five wives. But what good is that if none will go the extra mile? Who brings him his pint of Ijuba after another exhausting live concert outside the Pietermartizburg High Court? As a proud Zulu man, he cannot be expected to fetch his own sorghum beer and automatic weapon.

Jacob Zuma is clearly someone who treasures his machine gun above all else. So what of it? He doesn’t ask for much. All he wants is his machine gun.

And maybe the presidency.

I don’t want to sound churlish, but it might help if he told us where he left the damn thing. It must be somewhere. He definitely started out with one, otherwise he would be singing, “bring me a machine gun”. By referring to his machine gun in the possessive, he is telling us that he already has one, but that he has either mislaid it or somebody has moved it from where he last saw it.

Perhaps his machine gun is at his mother-in-law’s house.
Maybe he can’t remember which mother-in-law.

EDIT: Incoming email from Ben Trovato himself suggests that I should look out for the Sunday Times on 8th June. Could it be that he is taking the place of thankfully-sacked columnist Bavid Dullard?
If so, sign me up, Mr Makhanya!!

11 thoughts on “Gutted

  1. The fact that we don’t get the Cape Times in PE (surprise) means I can’t feel too gutted about this piece of news.

    It does however fill me with trepidation. Does this mean that you are now going to be reading his blog? Does this also mean that you are going to be adding his blog to your “what I read” and worst, does this mean I am in danger of being ousted. Oh please tell me my worst fears will not be realised?

    Pamela’s last blog post was: Not quite the Queen’s English (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  2. Damn, he’ll be missed. Definately on of his finest pieces 🙂

    Ehh … 6K … seems you have stirred up a little storm with you comment about the CEO’s!!

    Emil’s last blog post was: Poverty (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  3. Shame 6k. Not to add to your woes or anything but there is a rumour going around that David Bullard will be picking up his Trovato’s pen. I guess now you will be viscerated but hey dont shoot the messenger please

  4. @Darkchocolate: Well, I have it on rather good authority that BT may be picking up Dullard’s pen… you heard it here first…

  5. At least Ben is not going for good. Pity its the Sunday Grimes tho. But how long will he last?

  6. @Darkwing: Well, if Dullard got his marching orders solely for “that piece” that he wrote, I’d give him about 1 paragraph. But they must know who they’ve employed, right?

    Right?

  7. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

    AlexM’s last blog post was: Russia and Georgia (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

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