Dead again

Today’s link of the day is Ivo Vegter’s advice on How to Hire a Hitman in SA, which is chock full of Ben Trovatoisms (the column, not the country) (although…).

We once tried to count our murders, because we thought a Guinness World Record would be cool, but we couldn’t find anyone who’d passed mathematics on higher grade since the end of British rule. So we hired an expert who used to count broken windows for Rudi Giuliani. He put all our crime into the only government computer that works – a Panda AT/286 donated by Bono. The computer crashed, so now we just have to guess, but we reckon at least 350% of the population get killed every day. More on weekends, because then we drink and fight a lot.

This, and the scenery, makes South Africa an ideal location to carry out a carefully-planned killing. It’s not hard. Nor is it expensive. You just have to have your wits about you, and plan your hit trip carefully.

For a start, don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Even if it’s a long-awaited holiday or honeymoon, keep your family and friends in the dark. They might get suspicious if you tell them you’re headed to a cheap country with a great climate, exciting safaris and excellent wine, but where everyone is murdered three times a year.

Ivo seems to have done rather too much research on this, so it’s probably best that you avoid dodgy taxi trips to the local township if you’ve done something to annoy him.

And let’s face it, most of us fall neatly into that category.

EDIT: This post is dedicated to Ivo Vegter, who was murdered yesterday at his home in Knysna.
And twice again this morning.