Pain

So many plans for blog posts and they’ve all been shelved because I played football today for the first time in 18 months (remember this?). The football was fun, and I think I did ok, considering the length of time it had been since I last played. That’s not what’s stopping me from sitting and blogging. It’s more my body’s reaction to that football which is causing the problem.

Oh my. The pain. Everything hurts. Everything.
I may have over exerted myself “a little”.

The good thing is that it will probably take no more than a week to get over this pain and stiffness. And then I can go and do it all over again. 😀

Loose ends: Bulgaria v Luxembourg update

Just felt that I needed to tell you that I hadn’t forgotten (because I mean, who could forget?!?!) the Champions League Qualification tie between Bulgaria’s PFC Ludogorets Razgrad and Luxembourg’s Dudelange at the Ludogorets Arena which we were looking forward to here.

Spoiler: It’s not gone well for the Luxembourgers:

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Ouch.

It was 2-0 at half time, Dani Abalo and Roman Bezjak on target for Ludo. And then the obviously Bulgarian Fabio Espinho finished off the scoring, but not before substitute… deep breath… Anicet Andrianantenaina  had popped in a third.

Given that particular player’s apparent goalscoring prowess, football commentators all over Europe will be desperately hoping that Dudelange can overcome that four goal deficit in the return leg at the Stade Jos Nosbaum next Tuesday.

Some additional amazing and accurate info on ex-Ajesaia and Auxerre player Anicet Andrianantenaina Abel from Antananarivo here.

A+

No more football…

Well, for three and a bit weeks, anyway. Fortunately, Sheffield United’s upcoming promotion season kicks off at Beautiful Downtown Bramall Lane at 12:15pm on Saturday 9th August, so we don’t have too long to wait until top quality sport returns to our screens.

However, while you were all watching the MIGHTY Germany destructifying South American all-comers, the first qualifying rounds for the 2014/15 UEFA Champions League and Europa League had already begun.
I love these opening qualification rounds – the Europa League ones especially – for a few reasons: firstly, the teams in there are mostly ones that I’ve never heard of, from exotic (?) places like Moldova (Zimbru Chisnau), Slovakia (Trnava), Lithuania (Banga Gargzdai) and Sweden (Brommapojkarna). Secondly, this is probably their biggest ever chance at making the big time and playing some properly big clubs, should they somehow get through to the competition proper. And then thirdly, the fact that this first qualifying round is, more often than not, home to some of the biggest mismatches, with teams like Ljubljana’s Junior Girl Guides Troop Fifth XI chucked up against someone half decent like Ferencváros or IFK Göteborg, with potential rugby score-esque aggregate results:

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Sadly for the likes of FC Santos Tartu of Estonia and FK Daugava Riga (of Latvia, obviously), we’ve seen the last of them for this year’s competition. And that’s a pity, because I had high hopes for the Tartu lads, especially. I hope that their 1-13 reverse doesn’t dent their confidence either, because physically they’re pretty much useless and their mental strength was all they really had going for them.

Meanwhile, in the Champions League, the tie of this next round is obviously PFC Ludogorets Razgrad versus Dudelange, because let’s face it, it’s probably the biggest Bulgaria v Luxembourg match-up we’ve seen in recent years and both teams will have all their World Cup stars back and raring to go. That one kicks off at 7pm (CAT) on Wednesday, and I know that you, like me, will be glued to Bulgarian radio online where there will surely be live commentary, probably in Bulgarian.

BREAKING: FIFA announce Suarez ban

NOTE: There’s a more serious take on the calls for a lifetime ban for Suarez here.

But first, read my scoop on FIFA’s report on the Luis Suarez incident:

In an effort to limit the damage done to the otherwise shining reputation of football, FIFA instructed its Disciplinary Committee to move fast in considering and announcing the punishment to be given to Uruguay striker Luis Suarez after the apparent biting incident in the game against Italy on Tuesday.
This order seems to have come from the very top, where Sepp Blatter took time out of his busy schedule to begin throwing stones in his predominantly windowed mansion overlooking Rio de Janeiro to hurry things along. Unsurprisingly, given the gravity of the situation, the outrage across social media worldwide and the necessity to be seen to be doing… well… something, it appears that the footballing body has come down hard on Mr Suarez.

Herewith the important bits of their statement.

We have reviewed the video footage of the latter stages of the Uruguay versus Italy game on Tuesday in Natal, specifically the apparent bite by Uruguay’s Luis Suarez on the left shoulder of Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini. In considering any disciplinary action (and the severity of that action), we have taken several factors into account, these being:

  • The injury suffered by Mr Chiellini and the effect on his future ability to play football.
  • The damage this causes to the image of football worldwide.
  • The baying for blood of the ‘pitchfork mafia’ lynch mob on twitter and uninformed people in the USA generally.
  • The fact that once, in the 1994 World Cup, we banned an Italian player for 8 whole games after he deliberately smashed an opponent in the face with his elbow, breaking his nose, leaving him concussed and meaning that he lost over a pint of blood on the pitch; a punishment which gives precedent and a benchmark to this committee’s decision.

We would like to make the following points regarding this incident:

  • Firstly, this was a wholly unjustified, unwarranted and heinous act. There can be no excuses for biting an opponent during a game of football. I know it’s fairly commonplace in rugby, but this isn’t egg-chasing, is it?
  • Secondly, due to this incident, Mr Chiellini’s career is at an end. He will never be able to play football agai… what?… he did? Oh, apparently, he was able to get back up and play on immediately, but surely only once he’d mopped up all the blood off his shir… sorry? …no blood? oh… right.
    Anyway, the mental scars and the slight, rosy dimples on his shoulder will possibly haunt him forever. At least he can get them treated promptly and locally as he arrives back home in Italy with the rest of their squad later today.
  • Thirdly, we’ve had loads of correspondence from well-informed fans around the world, on Twitter and then on Facebook when they caught up with the news today, telling us that we must ban Mr Suarez from football for a season, two seasons, two years, and/or forever. We’ve also had a lot of people telling us that Qatar is a really stupid place to hold the 2022 World Cup, but we chose not to listen to them.

Herewith the sanctions imposed by the Disciplinary Committee:

THESE SANCTIONS ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE TOURISM BUREAU OF QATAR.
“Qatar: it’s a great place to be. (Unless you’re a migrant worker trapped in a poorly-paying,
dangerous job and your passport has been taken by your employer.)”

  • Luis Suarez will be banned foreverever. And ever. Seriaas. He will never be allowed to play football again in any professional capacity. Or any unprofessional capacity. Neva, baas! It’s over!
    Nothing less than this will placate the baying hordes, and we need to placate them so that they continue to supply us with viewership and advertising revenue.

But wait… there’s more.

  • Luis Suarez will also not be allowed to watch any football and must wear a blindfold whenever he finds himself in any situation where he might reasonably expect to see a football. Except while driving.
    No. Wait. Even while driving. All the time. All of it.
  • Luis Suarez’s family (including, but not limited to his mother, father, wife, sons, daughters, in-laws, uncles, aunties, cousins, second cousins, neighbours, real friends, facebook friends, plumbers, doctors, the sales assistant in Next in Liverpool who sold him that jumper, gardener and the air conditioning maintenance engineers who worked on his house during or before the time he purchased the property) will also be banned from playing football and – just in case – tennis and possibly golf, as well.
  • Luis Suarez’s cat to be declawed.
  • Anyone with the initials “LS” will also be banned from playing football. We have also received several requests from England fans to extend this ban to anyone with the initials “WR”, too. We are happy to do this.
  • Finally, the Uruguayan Football Association must pay for immediate dental work on their entire squad, so that they no longer pose an oral threat to opposition players. This work must be carried out before the 2-0 defeat that Mr Chen has arranged against Colombia on Saturday.

We believe that these sanctions, though harsh, are completely reasonable, especially when put into context. After all, we gave Zinedine Zidane a three game ban for his 2006 headbutt, Nigel De Jong got a whole yellow card for his chest-high, studs-up, karate-style lunge at Xabi Alonso in the 2010 final and we did absolutely fuck all about Diego Maradona’s 1986 ‘hand of god’ goal.

So a lifetime ban for everyone and everything seems completely reasonable here. It’ll make us ever so popular, too.
And it’ll take the heat off (LOLZ, no pun intended) that dodgy Qatar decision for a while.

That concludes this press conference. Sorry, we don’t have time for any awkward questions.