Nope. Vladimir is all tucked in there. And thank goodness, if the rumours of his immense statue are to be believed. Apparently, “Once you go Red, you never go back.” Or maybe it was all propaganda.

I’m not publishing the JZ picture on here, not because I disagree with it being painted, drawn, whatever, but because I really have no compulsion to have a stylised image of Mr Zuma’s parts on my blog. If you want to see “it”, then pop over to this M&G story on the subject.

But come now, it’s just another big fuss over nothing. In protesting, the ANC have now ensured that the Streisand Effect is in full force and the 99.99% of the nation that was wholly unaware that a picture of the President with his fly down even existed are now marvelling at… at… Murray’s work.
It’s fantastic publicity for Murray and for the Goodman Gallery for what, to me, resembles a GCSE art project (but with a willy). If the artist is trying to portray a message with his work – and apparently he is – it’s been thoroughly lost in the rumpus around JZ’s bits being on display. If you want to send a message through art, maybe go back to throwing loo rolls into trees.

Meanwhile, the “freedom of speech” brigade are out in force again, citing Constitutional rights as they always do when this sort of thing happens. And, of course, they are right: Murray is well within his rights to illustrate the genitals of anyone he wants.
But I would love it if despite the fact that Brett Murray had the right to paint JZ’s genitals, he chose not to. Just because you’re allowed to do it, just because it’s your right, it doesn’t mean that you have to. And yes, the ANC has its knickers (not depicted) in a knot over this and it’s all awfully silly, but there really was no need to have done it in the first place. Except to earn the fat fee that some stupid overseas buyer has paid for it, I suppose.
Meh. Brett should head off and find something else to do that actually benefits the country.

As for Jacob – if he didn’t want the picture painted, he should never have agreed to pose for it.

A spokesperson for the Office of the Public Protector stated:

Ms Madonsela stated her concern to colleagues that there had been no incoming requests from the DA for her to investigate any government department, government minister, government linked company or parastatal for almost 24 hours.
This is an unusual situation and had worried Ms Madonsela as the DA contributes over 95% of the investigative work for our office. On the DA’s insistence, we have investigated the Health Department, E-tolling (twice), SAPS Building Leases, Sicelo Shiceka, Richard Mdluli, Jacob Zuma (thirteen times), Susan Shabangu, Oilgate, Bheki Cele and the POIB.
And that’s just off the top of my head. Which they have asked for an investigation into as well.
They submitted no request for any investigation into Minister of Labour Nelisiwe Mildred Oliphant, however, they then submitted a request for an investigation as to why there had been no request for an investigation into Ms Oliphant.

There is much speculation that other DA requests to the Office of the Public Protector, and which were rejected, have not been made public. Rumours suggest that these included the decreasing size of Woolies’ prepared fruit salads, the lack of sunshine in Cape Town last August and the suddenly anatomically-confusing animal designs on Iced Zoo biscuits.

The spokesperson added:

They [the DA] also called for an investigation as to why the Public Protector had investigated the DA-controlled Midvaal municipality, as they never asked us to investigate that. That was a bit of an awkward moment.

However, there was much relief in Ms Madonsela’s office as it turned out that the lack of email requests was because of a Telkom ADSL fault in central Pretoria.

The DA immediately called for the Public Protector to investigate Telkom, by fax.

One group who are particularly vocal in their opposition to e-tolling are Cosatu. They represent over 2 million workers across SA and they are a politically active organisation as well, so it makes sense for them to be involved. But their latest call to arms and their threat to mobilise their members in “the mother of all protests against the act of highway robbery” have awakened the cynic in me (who only ever dozes lightly anyway).

Here’s their plan:

Cosatu is planning several rallies, marches, demonstrations and night vigils at the offices of the SA National Roads Agency Limited (Sanral) and the transport department across the country from April 23.

These would lead up to a large “national stay-away or socio-economic strike” on April 30.

Monday, April 30th hey? That seems like the ideal time to do this, since that’s when the e-tolling is due to start (although it seems likely to be postponed amidst the current chaos). But there’s something else about Monday April 30th that we should note: namely that it is the only working day between Thursday 26th April and Wednesday 2nd May.

Yep, if you take into account the public holidays on 27th April and 1st May (and who wouldn’t?) then adding 30th April as a “stayaway day” means that you get a 5-day weekend.

How very convenient.

I predict further mass action in June when Zwelinzima Vavi et al work out that Youth Day is on a Saturday this year and will therefore not attract a day off work.

On the plus side (because there’s always a plus side), this e-tolling row could turn out to be the great unifying event South Africa has been crying out for. Mandela might not have to die. Unfortunately, recent worldwide events have suggested that great unifying events have generally not been great when the incumbent government in on the other side.

A hugely slanted article in the Guardian this morning informs us that a report recommending that fracking be given the go ahead in the UK is “all but certain to be accepted by ministers”, effectively allowing trial wells to be drilled as a first stage in tapping the estimated 4.7 trillion cubic feet of shale gas in Lancashire.

Still, as one of the comment on the article points out:

As for the risks, I doubt this a good place to gauge them. Mainstream papers are pretty clueless when it comes to gauging the real risks of anything to do with science or engineering.

The fact that the health and safety obsessed “nanny state” in the UK is prepared to go ahead with fracking and for deposits beneath Lancashire – which amount to around 1% of South Africa’s estimated reserves – is further evidence that when the process is considered rationally and independently, without the emotional hubris of the misinformed and misinforming green brigade, sensible decisions can be made. See here for more of the terms and conditions included in the report (the bits the Guardian chose not to report).

There’s a lesson for South Africa to learn here. I just hope Ms. Dipuo Peters is watching.

This obviously fictional movie should not be confused with the obviously very real story related recently by Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council in the UK last month. His mother is indeed an alien, as he tells us in this Youtube video:

I don’t expect you to watch the whole hour (although you’re more than welcome to), so here’s a synopsis, courtesy of the Northern Echo:

 A LABOUR politician has stunned his town council colleagues by claiming his “real mother” is a 9ft green alien with eight fingers.

Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council last month, said although he has had hundreds of close encounters with extra-terrestrials, it will not interfere with his mission to help residents at the seaside resort.

Speaking on YouTube, Coun Parkes said he first saw an alien at the age of eight months, when “a traditional kite-shaped face”, with huge eyes, tiny nostrils and a thin mouth appeared over his cot.

He said: “Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’.”

He added: “I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain.

“It says ‘I am your real mother, I am your more important mother’.”

He said after contracting chicken pox at the age of three, his mother went to work and left him at home to fend for himself when an 8ft “doctor” dressed as a waiter appeared to offer help.

As an 11-year-old, he claims he was taken on a craft by his alien “mother”, and made a deal with the beings on board.

He said: “The reason extraterrestrials are interested in me is not because of my physical body, but because of what is inside me. My soul.”

Seems legit.

I enjoyed a couple of bits of this story particularly: the description of the “traditional kite-shaped face”. My first thought would have been that it was a kite.  Those are the only things I know with traditional kite-shaped faces. Well, either that or a skate. But he’s in his cot, not at the local aquarium.

Also the fact that, despite apparently being at least partly alien, he was able to contract chicken pox. That’s those theories about tissue tropism out of the window then. It makes me wonder why we haven’t all come down with distemper yet.

And why was the doctor dressed as a waiter? It’s almost like Simon didn’t think an 8 foot doctor attending to his illness just wasn’t odd enough.

I know, what if he wasn’t dressed as a doctor?
What if he was dressed as… a waiter?

Obviously, society’s oddballs are having a field day with this story, because this is an educated person with a responsible, trustworthy position in society, not some Tenessee trailer trash with a dodgy accent:

Well boy, ah wa’ down by the swamp, when ah first saw it. First, ah thought it wa’ a ‘gator. Then ah saw the face, an’ ah was thinkin’ ”Well now boy, ‘gators don’t have kite-shaped faces”…

Those who choose not to believe Mr Parkes’ story are told that they are thinking wrong:

There is no logic, critical thinking or scientific method for these events which are outside of the matrix. The very terms you have used are matrix terms.
You think with the matrix mind.

Damn me for thinking with the matrix mind. Next thing I know, I’ll be voting labour.

or… not.

For its own sake, the DA might need a new leader.

suddenly the rug has been smartly pulled from beneath DA supporters’ feet, as their previously solid and reliable leader seems almost to be suffering some sort of breakdown, resulting in her, her party’s and her supporters’ credibility being eroded; the sage advice of arguing only with logic and not emotion seemingly forgotten.

But while the own goals of opposition politicians are important in our democracy, there are bigger problems involving credibility facing our country. Hot Cross Buns.

Yep – Woolworths (and as we’ve said before, this isn’t the same Woolworths as went bust in the UK, this is the SA equivalent of M&S) are out and about offending christians again. But after their previous capitulation on the decision to remove loss making christian magazines from their shelves back in 2010 (a decision which resulted, incidentally, in a loss of credibility for the store), “surprisingly” this time it’s the christians who have lost the plot. This just a couple of weeks after their “Jesus is alive/Jesus is dead” car crash of an argument over the Red Bull ad.

Because today, christian people (not all christian people, it should be said, but some very vocal christian people) are ever so upset about there being a Halaal marking on Woolworths’ Hot Cross Buns.

And yes, they’re really annoyed:

I hate woolworths… How can you do that to the Christians, I hope that God will have mercy on you. And dnt be surprised if your shops run bankrupt.. I will pray to my living God and you will see what he is capable of!

Let’s pop back and review that threat in a few weeks, months or years, shall we? Because while your bloke upstairs is allegedly both omnipresent and omnipotent, Woolies do sell awfully nice chocolate brownies, very decent fresh fruit and veg, and have a huge selection of quality clothing as well. With their latest results indicating a turnover up 11.4%, profits up 26.8% (despite not selling very many christian magazines) and total assets of R9,218,000,000, it seems unlikely that they’ll go under any time soon.

But with several people up in arms over some seasonal bakery products, who knows what the future may hold?

Even the SA Catholic Bishops’ Conference spokesperson Chris Townsend said “people were overreacting and needed to be more understanding”:

Hot cross buns are only a symbol, and not a central tenet of Christianity. There are a lot more weighty issues to deal with in SA than a few ‘hot cross Christians’

However, for me, it’s just another nail in the coffin as far as christian credibility is concerned. And to be honest, we’re running out of space on the lid now. When members of a religion (or any other group) display such stupid, irrational (shock) and intolerant behaviour, there comes a point when society will simply stop listening.

And if they want their reasonable and sensible suggestions to be considered in the future, just like dear Helen, someone needs to tell them to pipe down before that moment comes.

UPDATE: Here’s some opinion from Georgina Guedes. You may recall that I also agreed with her thoughts here back in 2007.

UPDATE 2: Oh dear – there’s precedent! Tesco in the UK has lost market share, profit and has been infested by mice (twice) – all “since supporting Gay Pride“.

UPDATE 3: Hayibo’s response is brilliant.

UPDATE 4: This is also worth a read for a different perspective on this.

Well… sorry for you.

Hectic day in the lab, babysitting this evening, football match tonight.

So here’s a sunrise that looks uncannily like a nuclear explosion, although we wouldn’t have one of those in SA, because, as JZ pointed out yesterday, everyone should be giving up nukes like South Africa did.

Bigger on black here. (The photo, not Jacob.)

The contents of a previously confidential and completely fictitious City of Cape Town report which were revealed during routine business in the Western Cape High Court this morning look set to cause outrage across the city.
The report, commissioned late last year, outlines details of plans to move the Cenotaph from its present site on Adderley Street in the City Centre to a disused quarry on Chapman’s Peak Drive where it would be used as part of a hydraulic fracturing rig to extract the rich deposits of natural gas discovered at the site during preliminary survey work by the toll company Entilini last year.

The plan marries together three contentious issues which are described by the report’s anonymous author as “awkward problems which could prove potentially costly vote-wise at the next election, but which require addressing”. The author goes on to suggest that “tying the three together would likely limit the amount of negative PR generated by these issues should we address them separately”, but notes:

On face value, this plan makes good financial and political sense and makes the best of several difficult situations facing the City; namely, (a) that the position currently occupied by the Cenotaph is the preferred site for a MyCiti bus station, (b) that the City contract with Entilini requires that we must upgrade the Chapman’s Peak Drive toll plaza and a huge office park, and (c) that the natural gas deposits beneath Chapman’s Peak Drive are of such value that it would be foolish not to act upon them.
However, we should expect stiff opposition to each of these issues, given the historical significance of the Cenotaph, the emotional attachment of Hout Bay residents to Chapman’s Peak Drive, and the current negative publicity surrounding the process of hydraulic fracturing (“fracking”).

The report suggests that certain environmental and financial points regarding the plans should be emphasised in media releases and interviews, including:

• The convenience and improved carbon footprint of public transport when compared to private cars.
• The recycling of the Cenotaph material and the return of those stones to their natural home in a quarry.
• The cleanliness of natural gas when compared to electricity from coal.
• The offset of expensive costs of new toll plaza and first stages of the Entilini office park through selling natural gas fracked from the Chapman’s Peak Drive site.

The confidential report appears to have been distributed to appropriate departments within the municipality.
City officials were unable to comment on the report at the time of writing.

Watch this one folks – I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a whole lot more about it.

When fracking goes wrong the environmental impacts aren’t as severe as when coal mining goes right.

— Francois Fourie (@FrancoisFourie) March 5, 2012

This after an Econometrix report suggested that if estimates of the amount of shale gas under the Karoo were confirmed:

 …it could provide the equivalent of 400 years’ worth of energy consumption in South Africa.

Economist Tony Twine described it thus:

This is a big chicken; she is a big puppy.

And he doesn’t chuck his animal comparisons around lightly.

The decision on fracking in the Karoo isn’t going to be made any time soon, but while the (poorly put and misleading) environmental argument has been stated for some time now, the economic benefits of South Africa’s shale gas resources could literally turn the fortunes of this country around.
Much like the UK, I’m not sure that we – or the Government – can ignore that for very much longer.

And that’s what Cape Town governance has been like for the past few years – a poor red wine that seems a whole lot better than a broken jaw and possible ocular contusion. We’ve excused the bad things because it could simply be so much worse. But suddenly the cracks are beginning to show. Potholes aren’t fixed, even when they’re reported. More and more traffic lights are going “a bit Gauteng” and flashing red for hours at a time. And the city implemented their new IT system “ISIS” apparently without actually checking that it worked.

How very Eastern Cape of them.

The upshot of this is that:

…the municipality’s Rates Clearance Department continues to labour under a backlog. The issuing of Rates Clearance Certificates, which would normally take 8 to 10 working days, remains a full month behind schedule – the financial implications of which are obvious to all involved.

And it’s meant that law firm Smith Tabata Buchanan Boyes has got in touch with the council (and Emperor Helen Zille, nogal) to express its displeasure and that of its clients:

The written response received from the Executive Deputy Mayor, Mr Ian Neilson, gives the assurance that the municipality is acutely aware of the problems that have occurred around Rates Clearance Certificates since the going live of the ISIS system and acknowledged the negative impact that the clearance backlog has, not only on the city’s economy, but also on the finalisation of property transactions. Mr Neilson assured us of the municipality’s determination to revert to its previous turnaround times as soon as possible.

That last line of Mr Neilson may just have well have been:

Yes, whatever. Now bugger off and stop annoying me.

But then at least he responded – probably more than you’d get from most municipalities.It’s just another indication of how the city is becoming less Capetonian and more Joburgesque every day. The DA are slipping, but they know that they can afford to, because everyone can remember and can still see just how bad the alternative is.

It’s a bit of a shoddy approach to things. Like it or not, the DA is slipping up more and more in Cape Town and it’s all rather disappointing for those of us forced to cough up rates for less and less service.