Category: in the news

Seagull divebombs woman. She claims £30,000.

Posted on

Amazing stuff from Scotland:

A woman who claims she was injured when a seagull swooped at her during her lunch-break is suing the owners of the building where she worked.
Cathie Kelly said she stumbled on steps as she tried to escape the “terrifying” dive-bombing bird outside the Ladyburn business centre in Greenock.
She has raised an action for damages at the Court of Session in Edinburgh.

I’ve been divebombed by seagulls before, and let me tell you, genuinely, it’s not fun. They don’t mess about. On one infamous occasion, while chivalrously trying to protect my future wife from an aggressive airborne avian attack, I fell and hurt my right leg quite badly. I didn’t then sue the Isle of Man Government for damages though, despite the fact that they were responsible for the cliffs on which the bird was nesting.

You can’t be doing that. What sort of legal precedent would any positive outcome set?

“Rabbit eats lettuce from vegetable patch. Householder sues nearby farmer who has rabbit holes in his field.”

“Seal belches loudly near boat during harbour boat ride. Tourist claims damages from V&A Waterfront.”

“Woman drives too close to elephant in Kruger National Par… hang on… no, we’ve done that one already”

But a slight stumble on the steps is only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. Brace yourselves, folks, because here’s the harrowing tale of another of worker in the same building:

Mrs Ann Walsh, manager with Enterprise Childcare, who also works in the Ladyburn business centre, said the gull problem had been going on for years.
“I was attacked myself by gulls,” she said. “I was poo-ed on as part of the attack.”

Poo-ed on? POO-ED ON?!??!??!? That’s got to be worth another ten grand, surely?!?!

We have pigeons where I work, but they aren’t as aggressive as gulls. I’m quite sure they carry fourteen times as many illnesses though. In fact, I think I’m developing a slight cough… high fever… dyspnoea… pneumonia… death!

It must be psittacosis. Damn those pigeons.

I need a lie down… and a lawyer. Is Barry Roux free next week?

PistoriusBalls 7

Posted on

We begin with some light-hearted discussion about a drama, before the actual drama.

 

Meanwhile, immediately after a 30 minute adjournment, this gem:

Ejector seat?

That’s just what Glock decided to call it, I expect.

“…and the blood of a virgin – just to keep me going til we adjourn at 3.”


Jeez. I hope you’re being paid for this…

Terrifying missing plane explanation is terrifying

Posted on

Someone – presumably as a joke? – attempted to sign me up for the naturalnews newsletter. You may remember naturalnews from such posts as Was the E.coli outbreak started deliberately?. Interestingly, (presumably) the same person also tried to sign Jacques Rousseau up as well.

Anyway, I’m sure that Jacques didn’t bother visiting the site. I, however, did – “just for the lulz”. I returned enlightened.

Here’s the donotlink link for the page in question (if you don’t know what donotlink is, see here), grandly entitled:

Six important facts you’re not being told about lost Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

And, while yes, the disappearance of MH370 is indeed mysterious, I’m struggling to get my head around this being in any way reasonable:

The frightening part about all this is not that we will find the debris of Flight 370; but rather that we won’t. If we never find the debris, it means some entirely new, mysterious and powerful force is at work on our planet which can pluck airplanes out of the sky without leaving behind even a shred of evidence.

If there does exist a weapon with such capabilities, whoever controls it already has the ability to dominate all of Earth’s nations with a fearsome military weapon of unimaginable power. That thought is a lot more scary than the idea of an aircraft suffering a fatal mechanical failure.

Personally, I think the fact that people still read Mike Adams’ stuff and believe it is probably more frightening.

UPDATE: Incoming from the aforementioned Jacques Rousseau:

At the farthest end of the making-shit-up spectrum sits Mike “Health Ranger” Adams, the author of Natural News – a site that specialises in peddling bullshit quackery to anyone dumb enough to take the link bait plastered up on Facebook.

via here.

PistoriusBalls 6

Posted on

Yes, it’s Monday – the day of the Great Twitter Blackout – but you might still have a bit of a hangover from Friday:


 
But even if you were awake, you will have forgotten some of the other stuff
(hopefully not if you’re Judge Mapisa though):

 
Saayman says:

Winner: I Love My Job Awards, 2014:

But then, why are we bothering with the whole trial thing anyway? We all know the outcome.

And even the journos are confused by those draconian reporting regulations.


I’m sure you can still tell us what colour tissues he’s using…

PistoriusBalls 5

Posted on

Friday! Maybe they’ll be knocking off a bit earlier today. Hardly worth turning up in that case.
But thankfully, everyone has turned up anyway. Let’s get the latest from our intrepid team.

Maybe he’s reading your stuff, Lucy. Is he an Android man? No. No, he’s not.

 

Eww.
Meanwhile, “murder accused appears unhappy” shocker:

Perhaps he should have had some tissues to hand. White ones.

 


Is this what we’re paying State attorneys to do? To sparkle?

Meanwhile, whimsical tweets are sometimes not enough. Rebecca Davis has taken things one thing further with a whimsical out-of-office message too:

rd

But back to the courtroom journo love-in:

Beautiful.