Voting Day

Great News!

It’s Election Day in South Africa, and although we all know who the winners are going to be, a quick perusal of the manifestos and promises of each and every party contesting today’s election clearly shows that whichever one gets in, the citizens of this fine land are going to be living in Utopia for the next five years.

Bring it, baby!

Crime, poverty, unemployment, corruption and laughable foreign policy, which have all been the bane of our collective lives for the past 2½ decades will be swept away. The appalling track record of service delivery (or rather “non-delivery”, lol) will be a thing of the past. I’ve checked what we’ve been promised by the new government and I can tell you that the future is looking pretty bright. If we have any electricity.

Woohoo!

Please be aware that this time around, the majority of the population will not be voting for Jacob Zuma’s ANC. Oh no, they’ll be voting for Cyril Ramaphosa’s ANC.
This is the novel, clean, corruption-free version, with only half of JZ’s cronies in the hotseats. And a leader who saw nothing dodgy going on during his four years as Deputy President (despite… well, see the link above). And who has prosecuted and jailed about exactly zero of those implicated in State Capture and corruption since his promotion to President 15 months ago. And who seems regularly amazed at what a crappy state the country is in.

It’s new. Shiny. A fresh start. Mmmm.

I can’t wait. The next five years are going to be absolutely amazing.

Minor Manifestos (2)

Step forward The Green Party of South Africa – it’s your turn to have your manifesto scrutinised by the 6000 miles… election team.

I came into this one rather sceptical, I’ll be honest.
And, it turns out, I had every good reason for that approach.

Some key policies:

What are we doing about crime? Addressing the cause of it.
Changing the hearts and minds of Men by a massive media campaign.

Well now. Why didn’t anyone else think of putting up lots of posters, sending SMSs and having the odd TV ad spot, just basically asking Men not to do crimes? All this time, we’ve been suffering under the tyrannical jackboots of murder, rape, hijacking and robbery, when we could just have asked Men nicely not to do naughty things and it would all have been solved. That’ll work. Said no-one ever.

But that’s not all: the hearts and minds of Men will be easier to change because:

Not eating battery farmed meat will reduce the stress and aggression chemicals regularly eaten inside the meat from battery animals who have lived in fear and stress all their lives.

mmmkay.

And education? What about that?

Making it relevant, by televisions by the best teachers with field trips. Teaching pupils how to teach themselves.

This doesn’t even make sense. The words are all ok, but I think it kind of falls apart in the way that you’ve put them together. And getting kids to teach themselves? Isn’t that what teachers do?

And then could we have some misplaced business science, combined some with age-old, oft-debunked conspiracy theories, please?

TRANSPARENCY IN THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY. Cancer cures already exist, but are withheld from us because they don’t involve chemicals which can be sold at the huge profits the pharmaceutical industry is used to.
Animal research is huge business. It is often far more profitable to be looking for cures than to find them – particularly if the cures turn out to be relatively cheap or naturally available.

Seems legit. Also: aliens, right?

AN END TO BATTERY FARMING: Antibiotics are routinely fed to the animals to prevent them getting sick from living in such crowded conditions. This is creating a new era of super viruses and diseases in humans that are immune to all known antibiotics.

Now, I’m no fan of battery farming, and this starts well, but then goes way off track. I get the idea, sure, but the lack of any sort of accuracy in the second sentence does make me wonder if you actually know what the actual funk you’re going on about. Super viruses, really?

This would also greatly reduce heart attacks – over 50% are related to eating too much animal protein and fat.

I mean, we know this is likely correct, but have you run it past Prof Tim and his concubine?

At present it is possible that most of the food you buy in shops is POISONOUS to your health…

Sweet Jesus. It’s also “possible” that you’ll win the election, but let’s see how that pans out, shall we?

And then… then, these bizarre lines (from the 1990s?). How did this make it in?

To be able to utilise all of our ideas and co-operation when the computer flaw at the turn of the century throws our whole society into chaos, will help our survival . We are pretty certain that all over the world, the mainframes and their sensors scattered throughout the facilities are going to make water, petrol (and through that food), money, sewerage and airline and traffic control not available to us. We need to be ready with all our ideas and co-operation to get through that period as one Nation.

“The computer flaw at the turn of the century”? Is this… was this the Y2K bug that never actually happened?
And yet here they are 20 years on, using a debunked scaremongering theory to try and impose their bizarre thinking on us? There’s enough in those last three lines of their manifesto to keep any sane individual’s X out of the Green Party box.

However, if you want to get in touch with The Green Party of South Africa (NOTE: The website “greensouthafrica.co.za” and “Greens South Africa” on Facebook is not us.), then you can find their address on the website. And yes, it’s in Noordhoek – on the far side of the Lentil Curtain.

Don’t snog your pet – rocket surgery research

We’ve covered the dangers of antibiotic resistance on the the blog many times before.
We’ve covered the dangers of unhygienic pets on the blog many times before.
Now, some rocket surgeons at Glasgow Poly Caledonian University have put the two together with some groundbreaking research:

I hope you are all sitting down, because the advice in this article is pretty shocking stuff, and may make you immediately rethink how intimately you’ve been living your life with your household pet.
I’m talking about near-incredible recommendations like:

Avoid kissing pets on the mouth

Seriously, just avoid kissing pets full stop.

Don’t let them pets lick your mouth or nose

This is basically french-kissing pets. It’s also to be avoided full stop.
And the nose fetish thing? Eww. No.

Pet owners should wash hands after stroking animals, particularly before meals

WHO KNEW?!?!?
WHO?!?!? KNEW?!?!?

Make sure pets eat from their own bowls and don’t use household utensils

I’m going to be a bit sick now.
And this from a guy whose beagle can’t even use a knife and fork anyway.

At least they stopped short of suggesting that you also always use a condom.
(At least, I hope they did: I haven’t read the whole paper yet.)

It really seems like these things shouldn’t need to be said to humans. We’re literally the most intelligent species on earth, and that’s why we really shouldn’t need to be reminded or warned not to snog our canines who were literally chewing on some faeces they found on the pavement just five minutes ago.

It’s also why household pets shouldn’t be allowed into establishments serving or selling food. It’s not about me being mean to your French Bulldog, it’s just about basic common sense and decent hygiene. It’s about your poor choices putting other people’s health at risk.

Honestly, you people disgust me.

Normally, I’d put this sort of thing into the Darwin Awards category: removing oneself from the gene pool through one’s own stupidly reckless behaviour. But that doesn’t work here, because sadly, this might – might – not actually finish you off, but it will lead to the proliferation of antibiotic-resistant bacteria which – as I mentioned above – might finish other people off.

Now, thanks to this “new” research from Dr Adele Dickson et al., we’re able to actually demonstrate that your disgusting behaviour is bad for the human race in general.

Thus, for the good health of humanity, please stop this sort of stuff immediately. Ugh.

Election predictions (rolls eyes)

Pisspoor local online rag Business Insider has wasted yet more pixels by asking two “top astrologers” to predict the results of the upcoming South African elections.

What follows is an absolute masterclass in non-commitalism, in the astrologers’ traditional mother tongue of generic forecasting, with a few planets occasionally thrown in for utterly meaningless reference.

No asparagus in sight.

Lines like:

You will in fact be able to see the Moon close to Mars above the Western horizon just after sunset on the day before the election!

tempt us with some actual reality, before spinning us a nonsense tale that something might happen because of it:

Certain key political figures may make provocative and shocking statements, since Mercury-Uranus translates easily as ‘abrupt and startling communication’.

Talking out Uranus more like. Honestly, as if we need people looking at planets to suggest this sort of thing. It happens literally every single day, election or not. Charlatans.

Words and terms like “maybe”, “perhaps”, “it seems that”, “it looks like”, “may”, “might”, “could” and “possibly” are rolled out frequently in order to carefully avoid any actual concrete predictions, so they can rest safe knowing that technically, they can’t be “wrong”. But even then, much of what they suggest is still clearly just stating the bleeding obvious.

…it looks like Malema will waste no time in being vocal, assertive and demanding once the results are out.

…it seems there is some sort of weakening of the ANC’s position

…Mmusi Maimane could be quite busy after the (initial) results come in.

Who could have guessed? Except quite literally everyone.

Look, here’s the link so you can see just how poor it is. But if you really want to predict what’s going to happen on May 8, just read the news like everyone else (including “top astrologers” Nancy Massing and Richard Fidler). There’s no need to try and validate your quackery by trying to assign ridiculous reasoning to the highly predictable outcome.

It’s all complete bollocks.
But then – as a Virgo – I would say that, wouldn’t I?

Tanzverbot

I live in a pretty crazy country. There are a lot of laws, but no-one really obeys them.

Germany also has a lot of laws, but they’re probably a lot more law-abiding than South Africans.

That will be tested (again) this weekend, though. Because it’s Tanzverbot time.

With restrictions varying across the country’s 16 states, the dancing ban, or ‘Tanzverbot’, effectively bars public dancing on the Christian holiday. In some states, including Hesse, the ban lasts for more than one day.

Now authorities in Frankfurt, the biggest city in Hesse, have vowed to crack down on anyone who ignores the ban that’s in place from Thursday to Saturday.

Bizarre. And stupid. The most irritating thing about Christian holidays here is that the bottle stores close – which is equally bizarre and stupid – but you can still dance!

“Even those who do not belong to a religion themselves should show respect for the feelings of others,” said the Uwe Becker, the CDU politician who is head of the church department in Frankfurt.

Indeed. Because there’s nothing that ruins a religious holiday more than some people you have never met, dancing in a nightclub in the city centre while you’re fast asleep 20km away in the suburbs. So disrespectful.

I’m very glad we don’t have such a silly law here.

Not that anyone would take any notice anyway.