Category: in the news

PistoriusBalls 9

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Day 10, and the tension is mounting. Not least amongst the press peeps:


 


These murder trials are so irritating in that way, hey? We should just toss a coin.

Meanwhile – PROSECUTE ALL THE THINGS!


Or cars. Or radio-controlled planes. Or iPhones. Or shoes (or is that sexist?).


Like schoolkids in a maths lesson.

I case you were wondering where Mum was over the lunch break:


I know, you’ve been at it for 5 and a half hours. (If you forget the the tea break) (and the adjournments) (and lunch).
IT MUST BE HELL!

Real culprit named

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Not much time to blog today, but I did catch this and thought I should share.

It turns out that – perhaps unsurprisingly, given their apparent monumental incompetence – the SAPS picked up the wrong guy when they arrested Oscar Pistorius. It wasn’t his fault.

Much like wrong-doing South African sportsmen before him, “it was the Devil what made him do it”, according to a local pastor, anyway.

“Oscar did not kill her [Steenkamp], Satan made him do it. I pray to God to help him,” reverend Isaac Malaza said.

This is the latest in a very long line of naughty things which Satan has made people do, and quite frankly, I think he should be brought in to face some questioning now. It does all appear to be circumstantial evidence pointing in his direction, but there’s no smoke without the Eternal Fires of Hades.

However, not only does Isaac come to the party with this radical new accusation, he also comes with reassurance:

“I came today to pray for Oscar. He shouldn’t do something like this again that breaks the hearts of his family.”

Which is, and I think I speak for all of us here in saying this, probably a really good idea.

But wait, there’s more – Isaac has this astounding insight for us as well:

He said Steenkamp’s parents and family were also left heartbroken.

Who knew? Maybe there’s something in this whole religion thing after all. I would have never guessed that this was the case were it not for the keen mind of Isaac Malaza and the ace reporting skills of the South African Press Association.

Thanks for the heads up, guys.

Seagull divebombs woman. She claims £30,000.

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Amazing stuff from Scotland:

A woman who claims she was injured when a seagull swooped at her during her lunch-break is suing the owners of the building where she worked.
Cathie Kelly said she stumbled on steps as she tried to escape the “terrifying” dive-bombing bird outside the Ladyburn business centre in Greenock.
She has raised an action for damages at the Court of Session in Edinburgh.

I’ve been divebombed by seagulls before, and let me tell you, genuinely, it’s not fun. They don’t mess about. On one infamous occasion, while chivalrously trying to protect my future wife from an aggressive airborne avian attack, I fell and hurt my right leg quite badly. I didn’t then sue the Isle of Man Government for damages though, despite the fact that they were responsible for the cliffs on which the bird was nesting.

You can’t be doing that. What sort of legal precedent would any positive outcome set?

“Rabbit eats lettuce from vegetable patch. Householder sues nearby farmer who has rabbit holes in his field.”

“Seal belches loudly near boat during harbour boat ride. Tourist claims damages from V&A Waterfront.”

“Woman drives too close to elephant in Kruger National Par… hang on… no, we’ve done that one already”

But a slight stumble on the steps is only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. Brace yourselves, folks, because here’s the harrowing tale of another of worker in the same building:

Mrs Ann Walsh, manager with Enterprise Childcare, who also works in the Ladyburn business centre, said the gull problem had been going on for years.
“I was attacked myself by gulls,” she said. “I was poo-ed on as part of the attack.”

Poo-ed on? POO-ED ON?!??!??!? That’s got to be worth another ten grand, surely?!?!

We have pigeons where I work, but they aren’t as aggressive as gulls. I’m quite sure they carry fourteen times as many illnesses though. In fact, I think I’m developing a slight cough… high fever… dyspnoea… pneumonia… death!

It must be psittacosis. Damn those pigeons.

I need a lie down… and a lawyer. Is Barry Roux free next week?

PistoriusBalls 7

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We begin with some light-hearted discussion about a drama, before the actual drama.

 

Meanwhile, immediately after a 30 minute adjournment, this gem:

Ejector seat?

That’s just what Glock decided to call it, I expect.

“…and the blood of a virgin – just to keep me going til we adjourn at 3.”


Jeez. I hope you’re being paid for this…

Terrifying missing plane explanation is terrifying

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Someone – presumably as a joke? – attempted to sign me up for the naturalnews newsletter. You may remember naturalnews from such posts as Was the E.coli outbreak started deliberately?. Interestingly, (presumably) the same person also tried to sign Jacques Rousseau up as well.

Anyway, I’m sure that Jacques didn’t bother visiting the site. I, however, did – “just for the lulz”. I returned enlightened.

Here’s the donotlink link for the page in question (if you don’t know what donotlink is, see here), grandly entitled:

Six important facts you’re not being told about lost Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

And, while yes, the disappearance of MH370 is indeed mysterious, I’m struggling to get my head around this being in any way reasonable:

The frightening part about all this is not that we will find the debris of Flight 370; but rather that we won’t. If we never find the debris, it means some entirely new, mysterious and powerful force is at work on our planet which can pluck airplanes out of the sky without leaving behind even a shred of evidence.

If there does exist a weapon with such capabilities, whoever controls it already has the ability to dominate all of Earth’s nations with a fearsome military weapon of unimaginable power. That thought is a lot more scary than the idea of an aircraft suffering a fatal mechanical failure.

Personally, I think the fact that people still read Mike Adams’ stuff and believe it is probably more frightening.

UPDATE: Incoming from the aforementioned Jacques Rousseau:

At the farthest end of the making-shit-up spectrum sits Mike “Health Ranger” Adams, the author of Natural News – a site that specialises in peddling bullshit quackery to anyone dumb enough to take the link bait plastered up on Facebook.

via here.