Brian’s Walk and OMG HOW MUCH?!??!

After being away for the long weekend and the rigours of the kids’ Science Week to prepare for, plus a myriad of bugs to grow in the lab, I’m only finding time to catch up on the other blogs I read. Top of that list, as regular readers will already know, is BrianMicklethwait.com.
Post lurgy, and with Spring in the London air, Brian took us on a walk along the Thames to Battersea. He took some great photos too, as you’ll see when you click on that link. But it was the seventh one that stood out for me:

PowerStationDwellings

Firstly, I should note that this isn’t as “nice” as some of the other images. But just because it’s not showing “the river… adorned by bright reflections” or “world class roof clutter” doesn’t mean that it’s not a valid photo. It’s taken to share information rather than because it’s pretty. It’s something I find myself doing more and more too – photos of the blackboard shopping list in the kitchen or details of a show or something else I see on a poster for later investigation. Quick and easy.

But if you’re in SA and you’ve looked at that seventh image, then you’ll have seen why is stood out for me.

A 516 square foot, one-bedroom apartment, for £1,400,000.

Look out! Here comes the conversion:

That’s 47.94m² for a cool R25,474,034.59.
Twenty-five. And a half. Million. Rand.

‘Ow Much?!???!!??!?!

I recognise that we’re not comparing apples with apples here. I recognise that this is prime London real estate, but let’s just see what R25.5 million would get you over here, shall we? I popped in at leading SA estate agency Pam Golding Properties for a quick look.

Well, if we’re going down the apartment route, why not buy this place?

367417_H_11   367417_H_2
It’s over seven times the size of the London offering, has 4 en-suite bedrooms, overlooks all four of the beautiful Clifton beaches and comes with two (count them and weep) two parking bays. You’d also have R500,000 spare cash to buy a nice outside table, which would put you one up on the current owners.

But apartments are so boxy, aren’t they? Especially when, for the same money, you could buy your own BOUTIQUE WINE FARM AND EQUESTRIAN ESTATE:

413637_H_10
     413637_H_2   413637_H_6
At 42,505 m², the property size is a mere 887 times the size of the Battersea flat, (although the actual living area is just 17 times the size). That pool is 11m long though, meaning that it’s about the size of the R25.5m London apartment. But what else do you get?

With majestic mountain views as a backdrop and entrancing vineyards gracing the surrounding slopes, one could imagine you’re in the south of France. Enjoy the romance of your own award winning vineyards (Savignon Blanc, Merlot, Shiraz and Viognier), without the labour if you wish, as it can be leased out.
Constantia Nek Farm graces a valley on the back slopes of Table Mountain National Park with a large home, several stables and 3ha of vineyards. Riding in the restricted Orange Kloof area of the park is allowed with a special permit.
The Property also includes a granny flat, two large sheds/workshops, extensive parking, three garages, large spring and perennial stream fed dam, and adjacent staff quarters on the Houtkapperspoort side of its Southern boundary. Amenities include an 11m pool with electronically operated cover and solar heating and heat pump and large, cool wine cellar. The grounds and vineyards are irrigated via a seven station computerised underground system.

And again, you’d still have R500,000 spare for a nice outside table.
Or you could look at the Thames from your shoebox. It really is your call.

Like I said, I know that I can’t legitimately compare these properties. But with London prices and frankly terrifying exchange rates, it makes for an interesting – and, as an ex-pat, rather distressing – juxtaposition.

Still. Where would you rather be?

Poorly timed giraffe danger warning

I’m going to look at some wildlife this weekend. I hope, anyway. Wildlife is exactly that: wild, and sometimes it doesn’t want to be looked at. Mostly, when it doesn’t want to be looked at, wildlife hides away, but sometimes, wildlife fights back and even the most unlikely of wildlife can be deadly.

I’m not talking about lions, hippos, rhinos or elephants here – you look at them and you think DANGER! Teeths, tusks, horns, speed, weight, bulk. DANGER!
But tall isn’t scary. When you look at a giraffe, you just see bewilderingly puny looking legs and neck. Giraffes don’t look dangerous. They look like one of those string and wood toys that you push the base on and they collapse. You let giraffes play with your kids’ cuddly toys:

No. Giraffes aren’t dangerous. Or are they? Because here’s what was waiting for me on the pisspoor TimesLive site this morning:

Cyclist trampled to death by giraffe

The giraffe probably got irritated by some typically arrogant RLJ’ing behaviour.

A Sunday afternoon cycle ride for Braan Bosse of Nigel, on the Far East Rand, ended in his death when he was attacked by a giraffe at the Thaba Monata Game Lodge, in Bela Bela, Limpopo.
Lodge owner Marily Abatemarco believes Bosse, 46, was trampled to death.

Rather unusual, though, right? I thought so too.
But then, somewhere deep in my memory, I found this:

Seventy-year-old Schalk Hagen died without telling anyone exactly what happened to him. Now the prime suspect in his death is a giraffe.

I was quite ready to cower away from the lions and the elephants this weekend. Now it seems that I have to hide from the bloody giraffes as well. Seriously?
You don’t get this sort of danger in the UK – sure, you might come across a vaguely irritated badger or a mildly disgruntled fox, but they’re not going to smash your skull in, eat you or jump up and down all over your rapidly spatchcocked corpse just because they’re anxious to be seen to be living up to their “wildlife” moniker. I didn’t move here for this – if I’d wanted constant animal-related danger, I would have chosen Australia. (Spoiler: No, I wouldn’t – it’s full of Australians.)

Anyway, my new plan is to stay in the short scrub, where there is limited danger of unforeseen giraffe attack (aside, of course, from the extremely sneaky limbo giraffe) (but fortunately they’re pretty rare in the Western Cape).

The Three Helens

When Helen Zille announced recently that she was not going to stand for the DA Leadership again this year, the reactions were many and varied. Colleagues used the opportunity to praise her good work for the party, opponents (generally quietly) celebrated and thinkpiece writers fell over themselves to write thinkpieces, having been starved of opportunities for years hours since the statue debacle and not knowing that the lucrative magic porridge pot of xenophobic attacks were just around the corner.
Very few people turned to the medium of poetry. And that, dear readers, was a shame.

Surely someone must have gone down the versificational route to express their feelings on this momentous event. Yeah, there was plenty of interpretive dance, but I was after metrical composition, and I could find none. In fact, it was only on page 2 of the esteemed Southern Suburbs Tatler that I found appropriate balladry documenting Zille’s decision. Only right, then, that having found Charlotte Caine of Claremont’s The Three Helens that I share it with you.
I’m on it. Doing it right now.

hz

The Three Helens

Charming and friendly
Yet firm when she needs
With vision, courage and purpose
Is how this first lady leads

Voted “The Best Mayor in the World” [Is this going to scan? – Ed.]
Always giving her extraordinary all [No. No, it’s not. – Ed.]
She has always steered the way forward [Double use of ‘always’. – Ed.]
In showing us how to stand tall [Utterly dreadful. – Ed.]

She’s a person who knows how to plan
She’s a woman who knows how to work
No matter how arduous the task may be
She’ll face it; she will never shirk [Semi-colon = extra points. – Ed.]

She has gone from strength to strength
She stands above the crowd
She always goes the extra length [It’s ‘goes the extra mile’, ne? – Ed.]
She has made this country proud [Double rhyming couplet special bonus. – Ed.]

Completing an industrious trio of Helens
Helen Suzman, Helen Joseph, Helen Zille [Keller? Mirren? No? – Ed.]
With dedication, intelligence and determination
Each one a warrior; each one a winner [This doesn’t rhyme. Just saying. – Ed]

Helen Zille is a phenomenal woman
She has earned her place in history
She personifies an invincible spirit
And leaves an indomitable legacy

 

[Rather awkward and stumbled a bit towards the end. A bit like her, I suppose. – Ed.]

 

A couple of points here. Firstly, that since (I’m assuming) the Southern Suburbs Tatler must have been near inundated with several (or more) poems saying how great Helen Zille was, this is ever so slightly disappointing on the quality front. How poor were the others? Were the rest of them just racist outbursts from angry, privileged, Southern Suburbs, white-bearded men? Well, yes. Yes, they were.
This is surely the only reason for fielding these six stanzae.
And then secondly, that in this isibongo, there is no mention of Helen’s continual Twitter meltdowns. And yet this makes up at least [a lot] of her legacy, indomitable or otherwise. So here you go:

Of course she has her dark side too
Like when she rants on twitter
And calls Simphiwe Dana
An ill-informed, arrogant critter

Yeah, I know. It was rushed, inaccurate, it doesn’t scan, it’s rather forced and poorly laid out. Fits right on the end of Charlotte’s work perfectly then. Hashtag seamless.

I’m almost (almost) tempted to write a whole Helen Zille poem, but right now I have to go home and build a flat pack table (uThug Life) so that’ll just have to wait.

Enjoy your long weekend, SA. We’ll be back with more tomorrow. And the day after. And on Monday. No rest for the well wicked, innit?

What do you think?

This arrived on my timeline this morning:

What do I think?

I think that the student should have said “please” in his/her request, the teacher should know what his/her grammar are a bit better that what he/she did, and then that the student should show a great deal more respect in his/her reply.

It’s a pretty shoddy show all round. That’s what I think.

“Highlights”

This just in from the Republic of South Yorkshire – it’s the highlights of this weekend’s game between Doncaster Rovers and Fleetwood Town.

I’m not a fan of either of these teams, but even I can appreciate where the content editor was going with this one.
You get “good” 0-0’s, you get “bad” 0-0’s and, as every football fan will be able to testify, you get “Doncaster Rovers v Fleetwood Town” 0-0’s. We’ve all been there. Not literally there on Saturday, but you know what I mean.

Fair play to whoever was forced into putting together a “highlights” package for this one and chose to give us this. And then head down to the local to drown their sorrows.