Today: a summary

No one particular subject has dominated my mind or time today, save for the post I was going to do about waking up with Madonna and Billy Joel. Not on the radio or on the TV – literally waking up with them. In my bed. 
I have no idea what they were doing in there. Sleeping, I guess. My wife is going to kill me, she was only away for one night and I end up sleeping with a pair of veteran multi-Grammy Award winning artistes.

From the ridiculous to the sublime. My iPod has been churning out high quality choons all day. This is unusual. I have had a number of very disappointing days music-wise recently. But a combination of Depeche Mode, Fifth Amendment, Skunk Anansie and The Pigeon Detectives has redeemed Steve Jobs somewhat. I shall let him live a little longer.

And back to the ridiculous. The pope and his überdaft comments on condoms and HIV.
I’m not religious. I don’t mind people worshipping me, although it sometimes makes a simple trip down to Pick n Pay quite an ordeal. But I recognise people’s rights to believe what they want to. And the catholic church doesn’t like people using condoms. Fair enough. They can preach their silly message if they choose to do so. But to suggest that the use of condoms actually exacerbates the spread of HIV is completely unfounded and dangerous.

“While it is not up to us to pass judgment on Church doctrine, we consider that such comments are a threat to public health policies and the duty to protect human life.”

French foreign ministry spokesman Eric Chevallier

With great power comes great responsibility and the pope is a very powerful man. His comments are disgraceful and should be withdrawn before they do real harm. 
Are catholics allowed to withdraw? Probably not.

Julius Malema isn’t on twitter. Gutted.

Natasha Richardson has died. spEak You’re bRanes is unimpressed with the outpouring of emotion.

The Employment Equity Act, 55 of 1998.

No person may unfairly discriminate, directly or indirectly, against an employee in any employment policy or practice, on one or more grounds including race, gender, pregnancy, marital status, family responsibility, ethnic or social origin, colour, sexual orientation, age, disability, religion, HIV status, conscience, belief, political opinion, culture, language, and birth.

“Birth”? Now they tell me.
I’ve been regularly discriminating against unborn people in my employment policies and practices since I came to South Africa. I have yet to employ either an embryo or a foetus and now I feel awful. And completely open to prosecution.
In my defence, the last time I interviewed a foetus (for a middle management position, as I recall), all I got in reply to some of my more probing questions was a slap from his mother.
Which was off-putting, to say the least.

Hero in a HalfShell


Zumatello hits the election campaign.

¼ of the world’s most awesome fighting team

Straight away, one can see the direct parallels:

Donatello (who wore the purple mask, of course) was the brilliant scientist, inventor, engineer, and technological genius. He was perhaps the least violent Turtle, preferring to use his intellect to solve conflicts.

Zumatello (who is wearing the red mask, above) is the brilliant ANC President, polygamist, alleged fraudster and political genius. He is perhaps the least trusted Turtle, preferring to use his friends as scapegoats to avoid prosecution.

6000 miles… does not condone the defacing of election campaign posters unless it’s really, really amusing and you send photographic evidence to us here chez 6000.

Dilbert has an X1

Damn. The Dilbert comics are getting dangerously lifelike.

Dilbert – not like me at all. Oh no.

Evidently, Dilbert also has an X1. Good choice, sir.

“I thought it was a lunatic ninja”

The words of Mr Beat Ettlin, 42 after he fought off a 40kg kangaroo which had broken into his house during the night.

The confused marsupial smashed its way into Beat Ettlin’s home in the Canberra suburb of Garran.
The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: “I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed. A couple of seconds later I realised it was a kangaroo.”

As you would. The tail, the pouch, the bouncing motion and the lack of a sword. All dead giveaways.

ninja_crouch kangaroo
Kangaroo/Ninja: Tough to distinguish

Full marks to Mr Ettlin, however, for not only making a presumptive identification of his would-be assailant, but also performing a remarkably quick psychiatric assessment.
I know – when something lands on your bed in the middle of the night, it’s sometimes hard to work out exactly what it is. I regularly have the same issue. Only yesterday evening, a moth fluttered down onto my arm while I was watching the Spanish footy. My first thought was also “lunatic ninja”, before I settled on the more reasonable Plutella xylostella. But not before I had battered him to death with my nunchucks.

So anyway, having gathered that her husband was dealing with a mentally unstable martial arts expert, Mrs Ettlin took the appropriate action:

“I just pulled the covers over our heads and screamed. It jumped on my shoulder, bounced across the bed and onto the bedside table. Can you imagine how close it was to my head?”

I don’t know – can we? Are you some sort of mutant?
If not, and it bounced on your shoulder, I’m going for about 6 inches, tops. It’s not that hard to imagine™.

But the similarity between kangaroos, lunatic ninjas and moths doesn’t end there:

Mr Ettlin believes it was attracted by light on the bedroom window and cut itself on broken glass when it smashed its way through.

I have the same problem with moths and lunatic ninjas. They see that bedroom light on and they have to be near it – whether there’s a window in the way or not.
Leave a light on and go downstairs for 10 minutes to get your cocoa and when you return, there are a variety of 14th Century Japanese warriors and Lepidoptera circling the ceiling bulb.
And your window is invariably broken.

Happily, Mr Ettlin was able to protect his wife and kids by performing basic wrestling moves on the kangaroo before ejecting it from the house. He now probably faces animal cruelty charges, but it’s a small price to pay for the fun of beating the local wildlife up.
In fact, since moving to South Africa, few things please me more than sneaking up and practicing my karate moves on a quietly grazing springbok – certainly a vast improvement on the rather unsatisfying hedgehog boxing we used to get up to back in the UK.

Less prickly, too.

Prawn Explosion Bomb

When I’m out eating Chinese in Claremont, there’s only one dish that really satisfies:

Waiter, bring me the P.E.B.