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Brian’s Alicante Flight Pee Hell

Up early because of the little humans that reside with us – and today celebrating the sixth anniversary of my arrival in South Africa – I find myself catching up on reading other people’s blogs while the boy watches Handy Manny.

Brian – which has been a little quiet of late – returns with a couple of posts about Brian’s recent trip to Spain; and the description of his journey had me in stitches. 

At Stansted, knowing that fluids on planes are restricted, I consume a bottle of fruit juice (more like industrial waste from an artificial sugar factory really) and my tin of Tesco Red Bull Clone.  But since I am only just on time, I neglect having a piss.  On the plane, I desperately need a piss, what with the perpetual jogging that planes, I suddenly realise, subject you to.  They aren’t a bit like trains.  But, being an old git and what with all the jogging, I am, although bursting, unable actually to burst in the horrid little Ryanairplane toilet, despite literally crying and yelling with the frustration of it all.  Something to do with the same muscles that keep you standing also stopping you from pissing.  Defeated and humiliated, I return to my seat and continue bursting until we arrive at Alicante nearly two hours later, and am finally able to burst on the solid ground of Spain in a proper toilet with vertical walls, that stays still.

I’m reproducing part of it here because I think it’s one of those posts that will be taken down and gone forever when it’s actually re-read by the author. All bloggers will recognise the “Oh my Deity! Did I really write that?” moment. We’ve all been there and done that.

Equally, I think we can all agree that there are few worse feelings than not being about to pee when you need to. My story involves a night drinking in London, an underground rush to the bus back to Oxford – omitting any toilet stops because there’s one on the Oxford Tube coach – a last minute dash from Victoria Station to the bus stop, leaping on as the doors close and bus sets off and only then discovering that the on-board toilet is out of order.
At 1am, 1½ bladder-damagingly bumpy hours up the M40 later, the dry-stone wall at AC Nielsen at Thornhill Park and Ride was no longer dry. It was a urination event so lengthy, so wonderful and so memorable that the feelings of relief are still palpable today.

I hope you’re reading this now.
As soon as I get chance to review it, I’ll probably delete it.

Here is the answer

I debated long and hard about this post, but then I decided that although it goes against a lot of the rules that I have set on 6000 miles… , they were my rules anyway and it would be fine to bend them a little.
If you’re me.
This approach has worked for monarchies and governments for many years and I don’t see why I shouldn’t give it a quick go.
Just this once. Until next time.

So – step forward Die Antwoord, which is Afrikaans for “The Answer”.
They’re a foul-mouthed 3-piece hip-hop/rap group straight outta Brooklyn. No, not that Brooklyn, the other one – the one near Maitland in Cape Town.
And while they are rather rude and surely not 4 real, they’re also rather amusing and pretty entertaining – the Afrikaans version of Goldie Lookin Chain, innit.

With that explicit lyrics warning in full force – you can now head over to their website, where you can listen to their new album (out next month) and enjoy the dulcet tones of rapper Ninja, vocalist Yo-Landi Visser and the beats of the lovably cuddly DJ Hi-Tek.

Track 2, Wat Kyk Jy? (literally “What are you looking at?”) is a particular favourite of mine and I have attempted a quick translation of the chorus – an exchange between the inquisitive Ninja and the somewhat defensive Yo-Landi – from the guttural Afrikaans into English for the benefit of my readers:

What are you looking at?
Absolutely nothing.
What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?
Go away.
What are you looking at?
You sewing machine.

Bi-lingual readers will already have worked out the intricacies of that little dialogue. Perfection.

There’s a lot more to hear as well, including colabs with the currently ubiquitous Jack Parow, Fokofpolisiekar and others.
Just don’t play it when the kids are around, ok?

Fishhoek Shark Attack

As tweeted by Fishhoek resident Gregg Coppen:

He followed that up with this:

Emergency services just arrived. It must have been a person. The shark breached it’s head out the water no remains

And then this:

We are dumbstruck, that was so surreal. That shark was HUGE. Like dinosaur huge. #sharkattack #fishhoek

Then later:

Helicopters are out and looking for any trace of the remains. Shark headed off Clovelly way #fishoek #sharkattack

This after a shark warning was issued earlier in the day (via

Wow. More on this developing story later, I’m sure.

UPDATE: Middle-aged man fatally attacked by shark 20m out at Fish Hoek – victim not found (via 567 CapeTalk)

UPDATE 2: News 24 report:

Ian Klopper of the NSRI told News24 that an intensive search was underway to locate the swimmer, but had so far yielded nothing.
A white male, between 32 and 38 years old has been taken by a shark and we have not been able to locate the patient,” Klopper said.
The identity of the victim is still unknown.

Other reports suggest that the victim’s wife was on the beach receiving counselling from emergency services.

UPDATE 3: Cape Times report:

The search has been called off for the night for the body of a tourist from the DRC killed in a shark attack on Tuesday afternoon at Fish Hoek beach on Cape Town’s False Bay coast.
Divers and rescuers from the police and the National Sea Rescue Institute stood down as the water turned murky in failing light.
There has thusfar been no remains found of the man who had been on holiday in SA for a month.

And 6000 miles… commenter accuses shark spotters of negligence & desertion.

UPDATE 4: Joyanne comments that people are still swimming at Fishhoek this morning, despite the “no swimming” flags flying and the ongoing search for the remains of the victim.

UPDATE 5: News24 weighs in with headline “Shark Rips Tourist Apart”, full of conflicting information and reminding us of previous False Bay shark attack in 2005 when a diver was also “Ripped Apart”.

Cape Argus Gender Bending Drug Dealer Confusion

I read this article in our local newspaper, then I read it again. In fact, I have now read it seventeen times and I am still none the wiser.

Strip search turns out to be revealing

7 January 2010, 13:07
By Lavern De Vries

Mitchells Plain police will on Thursday charge one of the area’s most notorious drug suspects with fraud – after allegedly discovering during the course of a strip search that the man is actually a woman.
The suspect was arrested at his Kuils River home last Tuesday after police had received a tip-off that drugs might be delivered there. Police strip-searched the suspect, believing that he might have hidden drugs on his person.

Mitchells Plain police station head Director Jeremy Vearey said that it was during the strip search that the suspect was found to be a woman.

Wow. Incredible. Bizarre. But still makes sense, thus far.

We were forced to call Pollsmoor Prison to make arrangements for him to be held there until his bail application today. They then had to make arrangements to remand him in the hospital section, where he was held until his court appearance.

“Him”? “His”? “He”? “His”?
I thought you just said that this was a woman? I thought that was the story here?

Prison authorities had also considered holding him in the women’s section of the prison “for his own safety”, Vearey said.

This would actually make sense, now wouldn’t it? Because it is a woman!
Did you miss that? Because it was actually you that said it just a few lines earlier, Mr Vearey.

The suspect faces charges of the illegal possession of ammunition and the possession of stolen property.
He faces another charge of bribery after he allegedly offered R9 100 to one of the arresting officers in an attempt to persuade him not to register the case, according to Mitchells Plain police spokesman Rewayne Muller.

I think they mean “She faces”, obviously…

The fraud charge relates to him allegedly having two sets of identity documents – one as a woman and the other as a man. It is alleged that he has bought property, including at least two houses with the male identity document.

See how easy it is to confuse people with this whole What gender are you? lark?

A couple of estate agents were none the wiser – fair enough.
But when the police officer who discovered that you don’t have any bits still thinks you’re a bloke and the journalist that he calls with the story about how the man they just arrested turned out to be a woman also still thinks you’re a bloke, then that’s more than a gruff voice and a fake ID – that’s mind control!

All of which leads me to believe that she will get off scot-free when he appears in court later today.