Eccy Rd Hoff Stolen

Via @arepeejee and @sheffieldblog on twitter:

Hoff is gone
Hoff is gone

One can only hope that Sky News run with this like they did with Madeleine McCann (not literally) but with a more successful outcome. That’s probably the only way that the Hoff will be found.

However – and here’s a note to people up and down Ecclesall Road whose Hoff has been stolen – it would be more helpful if the posters in the window actually detailed exactly how we could help. What exactly do you need us to do?

Further information surrounding his disappearance would also be of assistance: When did it happen? Had he been drinking? Did you note any suspicious characters around? Did he leave his orange shorts? And have you informed the police (other than by way of handwritten posters in the front window)?

I’m sure we all hope that the Hoff is recovered soon and will watch the front windows of Eccy Rd for further updates.

Afterthought: Just noted that it actually states “the Hoff was stolen”. Perhaps this is some admission that the Hoff, who presumably used to be in their possession was actually not their Hoff to begin with. Or something.

4 Real? The Fruitcake Alternative

Fans of the Manic Street Preachers will know that Richey James Edwards, ex-lyricist and guitarist, when once asked about whether the band was serious about their brand of music, carved the words “4 REAL” into his arm with a razor blade he was carrying. The injury required hospitalisation and seventeen stitches.
Two questions spring immediately to mind here: Firstly, why was he carrying a razor blade? And secondly, why did he slice open his forearm with said razor blade?
The answers are clear. Richey James Edwards was a complete fruitcake.

Talking of which, I came across an utterly brilliant website recently. Well – it’s either brilliant or completely fruitcake – hence my posing the question á la Richey Edwards, “4 Real?”.

The inventor of the Kadir-Buxton Method and author of the site by the same name appears to be Labour Party activist and all round fruitcake, Andy Kadir-Buxton. And he has all of our best interests at heart:

Making the world a better place
Decades ago I discovered a cure for mental health problems. The cure, which I term the Kadir-Buxton Method, has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems. The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient, so that the patient returns to a normal condition. The Kadir-Buxton Method is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand.
The procedure is painless and the patient regains consciousness faster the less hard the double blow is struck. With practice, I am able to render the patients unconscious for only thirty seconds. Other individuals have fared even better.

Sounds good. I sometimes find that I need my brain reset. Mainly after reading stuff like that. But, if I’m completely honest, that just sounds like you are giving the victim patient a punch, no?

At this point I would like to explain the difference between a stun and a punch. With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill. Try it for yourselves if you do not believe me.

I was going to test this claim, but I couldn’t find any roses or (surprisingly) volunteers.

I haven’t had chance to go through the whole Kadir-Buxton website as yet, mainly because I only got so far before my sides were aching from laughter and my brain needed a break from the endless stream of unbelievable bullshit that it was being bombarded with. I was about to stop – but then, this:

In the 1980s I fended off an unprovoked attack. What I did was hit my attacker in the Jugular vein in the neck hard with the tip of my finger. (The Femoral artery in the leg can be used in the same way as an alternative.)

Whilst my attacker was incapacitated on the floor by this martial arts technique I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

Having just been the attempted victim of an unprovoked attack, and having incapacitated the would-be attacker with a martial arts technique, how many of us would then have given the floored bloke a good kicking to teach him a valuable lesson? How many of us would have simply walked away? I know I would have probably done both.
I would suggest that there would be very, very few of us who would have spanked the gentleman round the buttocks and then awaited his eventual return to consciousness in order to gauge whether our actions had stimulated him, sexually-speaking?
That’s what makes Andy Kadir-Buxton different from you or I. That’s what makes him special. That’s why he makes these sort of discoveries:

I knew at once I was on to another invention.

Indeed. Whereas your would-be attacker was wondering where the hell he was, how he got the ball-gag in his mouth and why he was chained to a radiator. Oh – and what on earth you were doing in that PVC catsuit.

I would be extremely disappointed if there is not more mirth, merriment and overall fruitcake goodness to be had from the Kadir-Buxton site. After all, how many websites can you name which have statements like: 

As Governments around the world have been looking for a safe alternative to sex this appears to be it. A simple arm lock from a consenting friend is enough to make life enjoyable. The length of unconsciousness depends on how hard the strike is and the ability to judge comes with practice.

Yes, there is a message for us all in the writings of Andy Kadir-Buxton.
The trick, once you’ve got that message, is to completely disregard the message and run a long, long way away.

Twitter and Facebook attacked

Social networking sites Twitter and Facebook were both unavailable for long periods this afternoon (Central African Time) due to a Distributed Denial of Service attack or DDoS, a process whereby huge numbers of infected computers, controlled by a single “master computer” besiege the servers of a site with demands for data until the servers – and the site – breaks.

Graham Cluley, a computer security expert, likened the attack to “15 fat men trying to get through a revolving door at the same time.” and while this explains the situation nicely, there is no definition of how fat the men are or how small the revolving door is. Some shopping malls (Meadowhall, Canal Walk) have huge automatic revolving doors which wouldn’t have any trouble fitting 15 fat men in. I can only imagine that either Twitter has a very small revolving door or that the men in question were exceptionally obese.
It’s also interesting to note that it is men who are taking the rap for this. In this age of political correctness, I sincerely hope that Graham considered the implications of his perceived single-sex attack. While it may reflect rather negatively on the male sex, I’m sure there will be – at some point down the line – some mouthy lesbian who will claim to have been struggling to get through the revolving door as well.

And already, accusations as to who employed the 15 fat men and the angry lezza are flying around. Some have suggested that Iranian President Mahmood Ahmadinajacket was getting back at twitter for the rather unsupportive stance it took around his brutally putting down opposition protests last month. Others have suggested that it was some sort of coalition or consortium of bosses who just wanted their employees to actually get on with some work for once. Especially those in Port Elizabeth.
But it seems most likely that this was basically an attack by aliens who were just warming up to take on a really big site like this one. But don’t worry, we’ll be on the lookout for a group of fat bastard martians trying to get in through our revolving door. And this being South Africa, we’ll be ready and waiting to defend 6000 miles…the only way we know how: with a gaggle of angry black mamas toi-toi’ing their way to greet them.
There are few sights more terrifying than Nkosazana, Thandiwe and their chums singing and dancing their way towards you while holding up illegible placards made from torn cardboard boxes. Believe it, because it’s true.

Once the large social networking sites have seen how well we in South Africa defend our revolving doors, they will be flocking over to Mzansi, servers in hand. We’ll have a plethora of twits in Pretoria, loads of MySpace in the Karoo and Friends Reunited in Cape Town (as long as they went to the same school). All of which can surely only be good for the economy.

Then all we have to do is somehow stop them from noticing how slowly our revolving doors actually revolve.

Is this awesome (Y/N)?

I was just minding my own business when this old bloke with a long beard appeared and suddenly I found myself beached in Kommetjie.

whl

Bummer.