That Monologue

Deeply corrupt President and all-round infected haemorrhoid Jacob Zuma has just refused to resign during his near hour long rambling monologue on SABC.

He says that the ANC has given him no reasons for his recall.

And he’s right. They haven’t.

Because he knows full well that, while there are plenty (or more) of those reasons, the ANC Top 6 et al. can’t publicly talk about them, because then we’d have every good right to ask why on earth they were supporting him right up until last week.

No resignation. He’s going down in flames. And now we’re all wondering who he’s going to take with him.

This was never going to be pretty, but it now seems that it’s going to be uglier than we could ever have imagined.

Delicious.

No-one is reading anyway

I’m busy, and I’ve not had chance to blog yet today. There was a visit to the knee doc (but more of that later), there was a lot of lab work, there was other stuff.

Now it’s lunchtime and it’s become evident that no-one has been bothered to look at 6000.co.za this morning at all.

I put this down to the fact that the political news has been moving at a breakneck speed here in SA, and people are choosing to try to keep up with that rather than keep up with their favourite blog.

Fair enough…

Wait… what?

But if you’re not going to read, I don’t see why I should waste my time writing.

Shall we try again tomorrow once he’s gone? [audience laughs]

What? It might happen.
This country never fails to amaze me (not always for the right reasons) (but still…).

Gogo Penguin

Gogo Penguin is the latest fundraising idea from those clever folks at the Two Oceans Aquarium.
Basically, for the right sum of money, a penguin or (if you really have spread the wealth) several penguins will be brought along to attend your function and – scantily dressed in basically just some feathers – will entertain your guests for the evening with some hot and sexy dance moves.

Then, once the marine biologists have taken their hefty cut, the remainder of the profits are ploughed back into buying pilchards and oystercatcher polish, plus saving turtles and stuff.

Look, I’m right with you there in your abject horror at this clear exploitation of our Sphenisciform friends, but the good news is that I made all this up.

GoGo Penguin is actually:

a hard-hitting jazz meets electronica Manchester three piece

But this one – Bardo – from their new album A Humdrum Star (downloaded last night) seems more ambient than anything else.

And reminds me of the 90s Cafe del Mar chillout albums. All of them.

I’ve yet to make my way through the rest of the tracks, but this effort seems to suggest great promise for the album.

I’ll report back forthwith.

The DAMH excuse

[accent=”Yorkshire”] When I were a lad [/accent], I always used to scoff at the kids that turned up to school claiming that their dog had eaten their homework. Not only was it the most obvious cliché, but it was also wholly unbelievable. Dogs don’t eat homework. Dogs eat dog food, human food, bones and – sometimes – socks. Sheets of A4 covered in conjugated French verbs don’t make the grade. Literally.

Je mange
Tu manges
Il/Elle ne mange pas

See?

I never had a dog, so I was never able to use this excuse. That said, I’m pretty sure many of the kids who used it never had dogs either.

Fast forward a few years into what should be adulthood, and people are still using the DAMH excuse. But now it’s been suitably upgraded.

Take for example, the case of Nigerian Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB) employee Joan Asen and the 36,000,000 Naira (R1,193,040, $100,080) which was found to be missing from the organisation upon audit.

That’s a lot of moola to have misplaced, and clearly too much for your average beagle to have devoured, sir.

But no, this was no canine-related disaster. This was basically just theft. No, there’s an equally implausible excuse for not having the money to hand right now, officer:

It was a mystery to me too. I have been saving the money in the bank, but I found it difficult to account for it. So I started saving it in a vault in the office. But each time I open the vault, I will find nothing. I became worried and surprised how the millions of Naira could be disappearing from the vault. I began to interrogate everybody in the house and office, and no one could agree on what might have happened to the money. I continued to press until my housemaid confessed. She said that the money disappeared “spiritually”. She said that a “mysterious snake” sneaked into the house and swallowed the money in the vault.

Ah, yes. The old “A Mysterious Spiritual Snake Ate My Thirty-Six Million Naira” excuse. That old chestnut.

But then, if there was any animal which could have sneaked into the vault and eaten all that cash, it would most likely be a snake. Larger animals would have struggled to get through the keyhole and smaller animals wouldn’t have been able to swallow the money. But snakes are brilliant at getting into small spots and equally good at eating things which initially seem too big to go down the hatch.

The best of both Naira-pinching worlds then. Hmm.

And to be fair, just this morning when I was searching for my car keys and (while looking suspiciously at the beagle), asking if anyone had seen them, my daughter told me that she had seen a mysterious spiritual snake slithering off with them yesterday evening.

Of course, this turned out to be complete nonsense: they were behind the fruit bowl. But the fact remains that they could have been taken by a mysterious spiritual snake. It’s just that this time, they weren’t.

Now that we actually have a dog, I see the world through entirely new (often rolled) eyes, and consequently I believe that anything is possible. Thus, I’m (belatedly) coming around to the idea that actually the dogs could have eaten all that homework.

And if I’m going to make that concession, then it seems only reasonable to admit that Joan and her housekeeper’s mysterious spiritual snake story might also be true.

I’m planning to write a letter to the Nigerian authorities demanding Joan’s immediate release, while also advising the local police to step up their mysterious spiritual snake patrols before any more cash or bunches of car keys go astray.

Prevention is better than cure.

Rocket Science (2)

“Rocket Science. It’s not Brain Surgery. But that’s for another post.” I recently blogged.

Congratulations: you’ve found that post.

And here’s the video which I am reminded of each and every time either of those two career options is mentioned – especially when someone is belittling  – or attempting to belittle – some achievement or other.

Comic genius. I am very surprised I haven’t shared this on here before.

Anyway. It speaks for itself, I feel. Which means I don’t have to speak for it.

See you again tomorrow.