PistoriusBalls 11

Here we go again:

It’s ok, Mrs Annette Stipp, your secret is safe with Karyn Maughan.

 

And then got back in their time machine and went home.

 

Well, maybe I suppose, but generally, I make mine in the kitchen.

 

Hmm. Why would a murder suspect need TWO pens?
And will his clumsiness be his downfall?

And then a quick reminder that this whole thing is nothing more than a media circus:

 

PistoriusBalls 10

Won’t someone PLEASE think of the journalists?

 

Those are the only two we’ve got left.
 

BREAKING NEWS! Hanky still white (maybe washed since day one?)

Juvenile sniggering at bowl/bowel error:

Cue Sky News Exclusive: WAS OSCAR ON DRUGS?

And then there was adjournment, because for the prosecution, the long weekend simply wasn’t long enough.

PistoriusBalls 9

Day 10, and the tension is mounting. Not least amongst the press peeps:


 


These murder trials are so irritating in that way, hey? We should just toss a coin.

Meanwhile – PROSECUTE ALL THE THINGS!


Or cars. Or radio-controlled planes. Or iPhones. Or shoes (or is that sexist?).


Like schoolkids in a maths lesson.

I case you were wondering where Mum was over the lunch break:


I know, you’ve been at it for 5 and a half hours. (If you forget the the tea break) (and the adjournments) (and lunch).
IT MUST BE HELL!

Real culprit named

Not much time to blog today, but I did catch this and thought I should share.

It turns out that – perhaps unsurprisingly, given their apparent monumental incompetence – the SAPS picked up the wrong guy when they arrested Oscar Pistorius. It wasn’t his fault.

Much like wrong-doing South African sportsmen before him, “it was the Devil what made him do it”, according to a local pastor, anyway.

“Oscar did not kill her [Steenkamp], Satan made him do it. I pray to God to help him,” reverend Isaac Malaza said.

This is the latest in a very long line of naughty things which Satan has made people do, and quite frankly, I think he should be brought in to face some questioning now. It does all appear to be circumstantial evidence pointing in his direction, but there’s no smoke without the Eternal Fires of Hades.

However, not only does Isaac come to the party with this radical new accusation, he also comes with reassurance:

“I came today to pray for Oscar. He shouldn’t do something like this again that breaks the hearts of his family.”

Which is, and I think I speak for all of us here in saying this, probably a really good idea.

But wait, there’s more – Isaac has this astounding insight for us as well:

He said Steenkamp’s parents and family were also left heartbroken.

Who knew? Maybe there’s something in this whole religion thing after all. I would have never guessed that this was the case were it not for the keen mind of Isaac Malaza and the ace reporting skills of the South African Press Association.

Thanks for the heads up, guys.

Seagull divebombs woman. She claims £30,000.

Amazing stuff from Scotland:

A woman who claims she was injured when a seagull swooped at her during her lunch-break is suing the owners of the building where she worked.
Cathie Kelly said she stumbled on steps as she tried to escape the “terrifying” dive-bombing bird outside the Ladyburn business centre in Greenock.
She has raised an action for damages at the Court of Session in Edinburgh.

I’ve been divebombed by seagulls before, and let me tell you, genuinely, it’s not fun. They don’t mess about. On one infamous occasion, while chivalrously trying to protect my future wife from an aggressive airborne avian attack, I fell and hurt my right leg quite badly. I didn’t then sue the Isle of Man Government for damages though, despite the fact that they were responsible for the cliffs on which the bird was nesting.

You can’t be doing that. What sort of legal precedent would any positive outcome set?

“Rabbit eats lettuce from vegetable patch. Householder sues nearby farmer who has rabbit holes in his field.”

“Seal belches loudly near boat during harbour boat ride. Tourist claims damages from V&A Waterfront.”

“Woman drives too close to elephant in Kruger National Par… hang on… no, we’ve done that one already”

But a slight stumble on the steps is only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. Brace yourselves, folks, because here’s the harrowing tale of another of worker in the same building:

Mrs Ann Walsh, manager with Enterprise Childcare, who also works in the Ladyburn business centre, said the gull problem had been going on for years.
“I was attacked myself by gulls,” she said. “I was poo-ed on as part of the attack.”

Poo-ed on? POO-ED ON?!??!??!? That’s got to be worth another ten grand, surely?!?!

We have pigeons where I work, but they aren’t as aggressive as gulls. I’m quite sure they carry fourteen times as many illnesses though. In fact, I think I’m developing a slight cough… high fever… dyspnoea… pneumonia… death!

It must be psittacosis. Damn those pigeons.

I need a lie down… and a lawyer. Is Barry Roux free next week?