But… wait…

“Woman mistakes superglue for cold sore cream” mumbled the headline (because it’s lips were stuck together, see?)

Oops.

The woman, in the southern city of Dunedin, could only grunt as she made a midnight emergency call.

“Ambulance received a call but, due to the muffled speech, they were unsure whether it was a medical event or whether someone had been gagged,” said Senior Sergeant Steve Aitken.

It had been a frightening experience for the woman because her breathing was impeded by a heavy cold, he said.

Speaking after treatment at Dunedin Hospital, the 64-year-old woman said that while fumbling for a tube of cold-sore cream in the middle of the night, she had mistakenly picked up one that held superglue.

We all make mistakes. This is amusing because it all ended well.

But then, this:

“I have all my ointments in a tray in the cupboard, so I got out of bed and I dived into the tray.”

“I couldn’t smell it because I was blocked up. And then I got into bed and thought: what have I put on my mouth?”
The woman, who spoke to New Zealand’s TV3 channel, said she then discovered her mouth was glued shut and dialled the emergency number.

Wait the what now? To have all your ointments in a tray in the cupboard is a good plan. No-one wants to wander into your bedroom and see your ointments lying all over the place, now do they?

But at what point, and in what world, does Superglue become one of “your ointments”?

The OED defines ointment as:

A highly viscous or semisolid substance used on the skin as a cosmetic, emollient, or medicament; a salve.

Whereas it describes superglue as:

A very strong glue containing a cyanoacrylate adhesive.

It could just be me (it’s been a long week), but I’m failing to see a connection here. Surely only an idiot would class a very strong glue containing a cyanoacrylate adhesive as one of their ointments.

Perhaps it would have been better if this had ended in death and Darwin Award. Although that may be a bit harsh, as I am reminded of that one time my wife mixed up her lipstick and my Black & Decker hammer drill, and I’m very glad that she’s still around.

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