Arr (my eyes) Jim Lad

I guess that in 2011, few people would have thought that pirates still roamed the seven seas. Piracy was something from 300 years ago,with Captain Blackbeard and Long John Silver. Yet we have well documented cases all around the dodgy bit up the east coast of Africa.
And sometimes beyond Durban as well.

Equally, we’re still some distance (the other way) from laser weapons as well. We’ve had Star Trek for a number of years, but I was recently told that in fact, it wasn’t real and all those people were just actors. One would imagine that being an actor was quite a hazardless, risk-free occupation, unless you ended up cast as “Expendable red-shirted member of the away party”.
And so many of them did – at least one per episode.

R.I.P.

Well, now in 2011, those worlds of  the past and future have collided as Captain Kirk has just hijacked a oil tanker off the coast of Somalia British scientists have developed a laser weapon to combat pirates.

Already, you’re imagining photon torpedoes and shields to maximum on board the USS Enterprise, which is transporting cars from Japan to Europe under a Panamanian flag and with a Filipino crew (wearing red shirts and looking nervous). Then the Somalian (Romulan/Klingon) skiff decloaks off the port bow and is shot by a massive laser, instantly exploding into a million pieces.
But that’s where the good stuff ends, I’m afraid – in your imagination. Because this laser weapon just dazzles the pirates:

Bryan Hore, the head of BAE Systems new antipiracy arm, said: “We have started to look at the piracy issue over the past 18 months due to the increasing threats to vessels around the Gulf of Aden and the Arabian Sea.

The laser provides a secondary capability: over larger distances as it can act like a warning.

Pirates approaching a vessel rely on the element of surprise, so by detecting those vessels and directing a laser onto them more than a kilometre away, it provides a clear signal to them. As the pirates come closer to about 400 or 500 metres of the ship, the power of the laser can be increased so that it affects their concentration and distracts them.”

Is this really going to work, Bryan? You’re going stick a massive laser gun on top of an oil tanker and then expect the pirates to be distracted and lose their concentration?

“Ahmed, let us attack the… let us… wait a minute… why are we here again?”
“Idiot, Mahir! We are here to… to… no, it’s gone…  Sarmad – what are we doing here?”
“I have absolutely no idea, mate. Clueless. Cigarette?”

And then – what about your worst case scenario – where the pirates (presumably wearing sunglasses) storm the ship, then use the laser on approaching navy vessels?

“Captain Sir, the hijacked vessel is within radar range and oh – did I mention that it was my sister’s birthday yesterday?”
“Idiot, Ensign! We’re not here to discuss your sister’s birthday. We’re here to… to… no, it’s gone…”

And so on.

Obviously, there’s a lot of time and money and thought gone into this laser weapon idea – which was probably sparked by an inadvertent shot in the eye during a powerpoint presentation at BAE – but personally, I just don’t see it working.

Sorry.

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